doing life tired …

go …

question: how are you? what is the correct answer? the truth? a convenient lie? silence?

do people really want me to tell them how i really am? or just return the platitude?

Sleeping woman with a cat Wladyslaw Slewinski (ca. 1896)

Lord, i am so tired.

i don’t say that as exasperation to our society’s platitudes. their desire to connect but leave the door open so they cut an run at a moments notice.

i feel like being my friend has become inconvenient for people. i’m one of those transparent, honest kind of people. my friends, yes, i really do have great friends. more than most, i have to admit; i am blessed in that area. so my friends know i’m going to tell them the truth if they ask how i am. and some still ask. others … not so much.

so what’s the answer? my answer is i’m not okay and i’m so very tired.

i function now. for goodness sake, Don has [only] been gone [just a short] three years; and my boy, my Shane, [only] a year and a half.

it’s exhausting keeping up with the inconvenience of my life. to function;  when it means getting out of bed showering and getting dressed. this level of functioning can knock me out with fatigue. i simply cannot explain the fatigue from functioning in a normal human’s day.

it’s complicated, grief driven fatigue. it’s apparently ptsd, too. i don’t know about that diagnosis though. i’m a God believing, born again, Christian who believes healing is for us, for today.

stop …

but wait … there’s more.

so i fane function. i work from home so i can cheat, but most days, after waking from 8 to 9 hours of sleep, as tired as i was when i fell  asleep the night before and get dressed. most days i force myself to do the housework, the office work and those day to day things we all do. when the day meets evening i am in physical pain and tired, bone tired.

and forgive me as  i say … i’m tired of being tired.

i want to engage in my gifts and callings regularly, but i cannot seem to motivate. plus they still bring sadness. Don bought my camera as a Christmas surprise because i love[d] photography, and he loved my photography,  i’m good … well i’m good when my subject is in natural light and stays where i {or God} put them … like flowers and the sky.

and this, my writing. he loved my writing and encouraged me. always and in all things.

so when I do these things [there are still pictures in my camera from a trip i took to Montana last july], i get sad, and a sense of tired discouragement comes over me, and i tend to stop.

honestly, these are supposed to be cathartic activities, they should soothe and help with the healing. but that’s just it …

one does not heal from the loss of chunks of the heart.

think about this [this thought makes my just ache with fatigue] … think about never seeing them again, never hearing their voices or feeling their touch. think about not being able to talk with someone you spoke with every day for thirty years [29 for my boy, but hey], or laughing with them … {i miss the sound of Don’s laughter the most. we laughed everyday for over thirty years.} think about having to jolt yourself to a stop because you step into a room and say their name to tell them something and in that next second of silence remember they are never coming home.

those thoughts would make anyone tired.

so the honest answer to “how are you?”?  i’m tired and i’m not okay … today.

fortunately, i can finally say … ‘today’ at the end of that sentence, sometimes … today. but there are still those “not today” days.

please do me a favor … if someone you know has lost a loved one; a husband, a child…[the absolutely most painful of all deaths, hands down], a parent, even a pet …

don’t ask them how they are. ask them to coffee or lunch even. ask if there’s something you do for them today.

or even better, just say hi! it’s nice to see you.

trust me it will make them feel alive and present. they will remember you were kind, and a true friend when their life was in utter tatters. just saying hi, will make them feel rested because someone had treated them normally and they didn’t have to remember to lie or try to stop the burst of tears, because they just can’t stop the tears when they think about “how” they are.

thanks for reading these musings of a tired widowed mother of the … son who died.

 http://fiveminutefriday.com/linkup/
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I.Pray. | A Wife’s Testimony

Safety of Abiding in the Presence of God

when we don’t feel safe where do we go?

Go …

This is the testimony of the wife and mother of two who are seriously afflicted with life threatening illnesses. Honestly I am writing this in preparation of the teaching/testimony I have to give tomorrow morning at my church’s Women’s Fellowship Breakfast. And it’s not been the greatest of months for me.

I don’t think people, even those closest, notice that things are as bad as they are or can be, some days. They see me weathering the storm at church or bible studies or family gatherings and they either express that I am so strong or they just ask how my husband is. And for some, I can see that they hope my answer is quick and doesn’t require much from them. That sounds harsh, but it is not meant to be. I am well aware that they don’t know what to say or do and frankly there is nothing they can say or do. They just don’t know that that is okay.

And some days I notice that I need to talk, and some days that means me talking to God. Because, he’s the only one who can do anything about all of this …

STOP … This post took way more than 5 minutes and edits. After all it’s the draft of a testimony presentation on a really hard subject.

My testimony.

I am the wife of a wonderful man, who is battling cancer and the mother of a hurting man, who is battling heroin addiction; and I do this simultaneously and not always well.

I am simply doing the next right thing on a moment to moment basis, sometimes. Definitely the last month.

My husband has been through 2 different, months long, rounds of chemo. Taking up what is slowly becoming 2 years.

The first round to eradicate a mass that had infiltrated and completely blocked his left lung; which was found to have rendered the lung nonfunctional. He didn’t even feel it not working until he caught an upper respiratory illness, which started this season in our lives. From September 2013 to February 2014 he had chemo and radiation every two weeks. The mass decreased with each CAT scan and he came to the end of this round with full use of the lung! Success! Right?

Not according to the doctors. Because a VERY little piece of the cancer had “escaped” to the liver. With this the treatments were rendered a failure.

REALLY?! But … he has full use of the lung! Really. According to their protocol.

NOT our GOD though!

So in June, after a biopsy,  he went back into chemo; radiation was not an option for the liver. So from March to September 2014 my husband endured some very hard chemo treatments.

All the time he only got ill twice with nausea and once with something he caught. He lost his hair twice and suffered most from fatigue and feelings of weakness; oh and frustration driven moodiness!

He came out of the last round of chemo and the CAT scan showed that the “original” spot(s) were smaller, but that other lesions had developed.

Another fail, according to the doctors and the protocols.

And all the while this man of mine was vibrantly himself except for a few naps here and there.

So now he’s [we are] setting up for a clinical trial.

And with all this our youngest son is having a daily battle with heroin and he fell.

So that’s the story … what’s my testimony? I still don’t know how to put that into words.

I’m having trouble telling my story because I don’t feel as if I’m doing anything extraordinary. I’m just flexing with the new needs of my wife-hood and motherhood. Like I said, I try to do the next right thing and sometimes I fail miserably.

I started out with the boy being an addict. Something we’ve been dealing with for the last couple of years. At first it was just drug use, then it turned into what it is today; full on addiction to one of the worst drugs on the street. I learned to deal in the “tough love” arena. Tough love, I think, is harder on the parent, because it feels not only as if you are doing nothing, it feels as if you are abandoning your child. The good thing is that the boy is clean and doing well, so the love isn’t so tough when cancer entered and life got a different kind of  hard.

So I’m doing this thing by rote and …

The doctors say cancer and they are acting as if they are delivering a death sentence. Cold and clinical … cancer, here’s a referral.

Head spinning, heart breaking and tears like a waterfall gushing out of control … I start this new season. I pray. I cry. I wake up in the middle of the night and pray while I lean over to see if my husband is breathing.

Before the diagnosis his breathing was a given. I didn’t think about it, like I don’t think about my own. Now all of a sudden I have death in my head! And I hear (now) …

Be careful what you hear …

This doesn’t feel like faith to me, so I pray more.

I.AM.A.MESS.

But then things take on a routine … The Hubs is doing fine, he’s feeling okay and we get into this new groove. But the groove doesn’t feel right. It feels like acceptance of something that is not of God. And I hear …

What you tolerate you accept. And I pray.

So I pray and The Hubs and I talk about it. We talk about a lot of things. Somewhere we begin to discuss the fact that he is going to refuse anymore chemo.

I.AM.A.MESS. … Again.

DO NOTHING?! What!? Can we really do nothing?! Is nothing what we should have done all along??

A.MESS.

I just need this all to stop and then the boy falls down. He’s using.

I.PRAY.

So what’s the testimony? Hey, I still don’t know if this is even a testimony! Maybe it’s a lesson on the reality of what a wife/mother does during a health struggle of a loved one.

I.Pray.

That’s what I do. I go to every appointment, I drive the boy to every court date and P.O. meeting. And I pray.

I go to God at the end of everyday. Because I don’t always hold it together well some days. In fact my comfortable day to day no longer exists.

I get depressed. I get angry (not at God); angry at doctors, protocols, cancer and heroin. I yell and I cry and sometimes I reject the encouragement of others trying to help me, when they don’t know what else to do.

I am often A.MESS. And you know what?

That is not a lack of faith. It is not a crisis of faith. It is not anger at God.

It is reality. And it is normal and it is okay! Even God accepts it, after all He knew what He was asking me to do when He created me. And He knew how I would handle it.

So … I pray.

What do I pray? Well if you read this blog regularly you know I am really into praying God’s Word. Can’t go wrong praying God’s promises or what He says about things. Yes. It’s the easy way. It may even be cheating … but hey, God gave me the answers so …

I.Pray. the answers.

I’m going to post a list of scriptures I use to keep me from trying to make deals with and/or manipulate God and His will. Because if there are a few things that I REALLY believe it’s …

God’s got this.

God has a plan.

And WE WERE healed.

These are scriptures that I, and our friends, regularly pray over my husband and son. These scriptures can be used by anyone for anything, obviously! 1 John 4:4; Isaiah 53:5; Isaiah 54:17; Psalm 118:14; Psalm 103:2; Jeremiah 30:17; Nahum 1:9 and Luke 5:17.

O’ Lord this man.
We declare and decree the Word of God.
“Greater is He that is in you than He that is in the world.”
“By His stripes you are healed.”
“No weapon formed against you shall prosper.”
“You shall not die but live and declare the works of the Lord.”
“Don’t forget the benefits of God. He heals all our diseases.”
“The Lord will restore health to you and heal you of your wounds.”
“Affliction will not rise up a second time.”
“The power of the Lord is present to heal you.”

The Power of the Lord is present to heal you! Isn’t that wonderful?

I also rely heavily upon Psalm 91, because it contains EVERY promise God made to us! EVERY.ONE. It reassures my heart and clears my mind.

1 He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High
Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress;
My God, in Him I will trust.”
3 Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler[a]
And from the perilous pestilence.
4 He shall cover you with His feathers,
And under His wings you shall take refuge;
His truth shall be your shield and buckler.
5 You shall not be afraid of the terror by night,
Nor of the arrow that flies by day,
6 Nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness,
Nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
And ten thousand at your right hand;
But it shall not come near you.
8 Only with your eyes shall you look,
And see the reward of the wicked.
9 Because you have made the Lord, who is my refuge,
Even the Most High, your dwelling place,
10 No evil shall befall you,
Nor shall any plague come near your dwelling;
11 For He shall give His angels charge over you,
To keep you in all your ways.
12 In their hands they shall bear you up,
Lest you dash your foot against a stone.
13 You shall tread upon the lion and the cobra,
The young lion and the serpent you shall trample underfoot.
14 “Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him;
I will set him on high, because he has known My name.
15 He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him,
And show him My salvation.”

That’s my testimony! That I know, no matter what has taken place on any day, at any appointment, that the Power of the Lord is present to heal! That’s how I do this … that no matter my level of fear or anger …I.KNOW.GOD. and I.Pray.Thanks for reading. God bless.

God’s Faithful and Infinite …. Reach| A FMF Post

Time for Five Minute Friday, the unedited flash mob free write!

No edits, no corrections. Just five minutes of writing from your heart to share.

If you’re not sure how Five Minute Friday works, all the details are right over here.

 

Today’s Prompt|REACH … Go!

 

Reaching Out

OH, How far is His reach? How far away can one get before He reaches out and retrieves them?

“He reached down from heaven and rescued me; he drew me out of deep waters.” – Psalm 18:16, NLT 

I’ve been in a far away place since Tuesday. I’ve been accused, or should I kindly say that I’ve been counseled, that I am weak of faith, or out of faith or in a crisis of faith in regards to the report we got from the doctor that day.

I have been battling those things that weaken one’s faith. With prayer, scriptures and with considering those accusation and counsel, and I must add ALL of the encouragement; there was much more encouragement than criticism. But …. the days were hard, not only with the Doc’s words, but with the anger and discouragement they brought for both me and so much more for The Hubs. Considering what was spoken and what I already knew would be The Hubs’ response there was a lot in my head, and it wasn’t good.

I had gotten far away from what I knew to be truth. Even though I spoke that truth and rebuked the lies, I got lost in my own human-ness and fear and anger began to mix itself into that depression batter that we sometimes find ourselves in.

And then … last night, to make an already hard day bad, someone posted something so … I cannot even say it out loud let alone type it here, and I was crushed and really began to fight back. It took the post, both private and public (here) to make me stand up and really fight it.

It’s been a long day today, fighting what hurt and frightened me deeply, but I am here reaching for that peace beyond my understanding.

^“And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:4

---

We must seek, and I forgot to seek, first the Kingdom of God … that is when we can ask whatever from Father and He will reach down from heaven and rescue us and give us not only what we need, but more, what our hearts desire! Matthew 6:33

You see … “The Lord will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy, O Lord, endures forever;” Psalm 138:8

Your love, Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies. Psalm 36:5

Stop!

Indulge me if you would. My 5 minutes are up, I just wanted to apologize if this post is scattered. But that’s what FMF is about, after all. I’d like to say that I am finally better tonight, I think I’m over the hump of this thing and finding my way back to me after many days of being “ME-BC”. Thanks for reading and always remember … God loves us, expects us to be human and expects us to reach out to Him when we are in need. So if you are in need, if you are frightened or hurt or angry reach out to God … Press into God and He will press into YOU!

Oh, that we might know the Lord!
    Let us press on to know him.
He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn
    or the coming of rains in early spring.” Hosea 6:3

Andrea

 

Release …

Five Minute Friday.

So, here’s the skinny: every Friday for going on four years now hundreds of people have joined a kind of writing flash mob. We write for five minutes flat, all on the same prompt.
No extreme editing; no worrying about perfect grammar, font, or punctuation.
Unscripted. Unedited. Real.

Release! Go!

I am angry today. I was embarrassed and hurt and angry yesterday.

Breaking Through to the Other Side of It …

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The bible, in Ephesians 4 says: “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,and do not give the devil a foothold.

Well my night was fraught with angry dreams, despite falling asleep in prayer.

Yesterday 2 doctors called and gave me information that wasn’t encouraging for both my husband and myself. I am not so concerned about the disappointment of my doctor issue; however my husband is tired. We are only one chemo round into this second go round and his blood counts are low and the doctor has ordered a medication that causes pain and discomfort, particularly at night.

Pain and discomfort. Depression and discouragement. How does one release these?

The renewing of the mind releases these things from the spirit.

Romans 12:2  Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

So today I am working on renewing my mind. Replacing the reports of the doctors with God’s word and releasing the negative thoughts, fears and anger that they instilled from my spirit … because I know that this path I am on is a journey to the good and perfect will of Father God for me.

STOP!

What do you need to release today? Be sure to replace that space with God’s perfect will for your life. After you’ve cleaned house make sure you fill it with the beauty of God’s word as advised in Matthew 12 43-45.

 

Life and Conduct and Taking Responsibility

Life and Conduct: Taking responsibility for our lives, our selves and our circumstances.

Proverbs 23: 1-3 (NASB)

On Life and Conduct

¹ When you sit down to dine [with a ruler], Consider carefully what is before you, ² And put a knife to your throat If you are a man of great appetite. ³ Do not desire [his] delicacies, For it is deceptive food.

Welcome to Few Words Thursday, it’s been a while! I have no good reason for not being here; the best reason is apathy. Apathy, just another subject of life and conduct and responsibility. But I digress; apathy is for another day!

Today I want to discuss the struggle with obesity. Obesity is a national epidemic here in the USA, as we know. However, we’ve spent a lifetime ignoring it as a weakness or a disability. Some people are simply genetically predestined to be overweight, right? Well, maybe, but in the end the victory over obesity is won by sheer perseverance.

Biblically it is said that we are healed: Jeremiah 30:17 says, “For I will restore health unto you, and I will heal you of your wounds, saith the Lord.”

Many believe that the illness of obesity is caused by a wounding of the spirit. That words spoken abusively, intended or not, wounded the spirit of the overweight soul; or that physical abuse caused the spirit to be wounded. However obesity, whether genetic or emotional is killing many; it’s killing me. So what to do?

I have recently turned these issues in my life to the Word of God … and they are there. The starting scripture tells me to be aware of the food in front of me; that the “delicacies” are a lie.

They are! Think about it, many of us eat out of emotional turmoil: loneliness, feelings of worthlessness … that candy bar or that bowl (pan) of mac and cheese … I deserve those! One more won’t do any harm, right? And I’ll feel better [emotionally] afterward!

It’s an emotional addiction … an emotional crutch! And it’s killing many (me).

So what to do?

Me, I’m doing all I know to do when it come to the heart event. The lack of salt in my diet rendered a ravenous sweet tooth in me that I fight with ever fiber of my being. I think I’m doing well … I really do try … persevere. So in this apathy ( that has kept me house bound, with writer’s block and a feeling of worthlessness) I allowed myself to make some poor choices.

NOW, I’m done with that ! I want to go from this:

Apathetic

 

To This:

Joyful

 

Proverbs 15:29-30 (NIV) says:

^“29The LORD is far from the wicked, but he hears the prayer of the righteous.

³⁰ Light in a messenger’s eyes brings joy to the heart, and good news gives health to the bones.”

So in short … I must be self-controlled in my diet; conducting both my dietary and emotional life with diligence. I do this with the Word of God. I have found that direction for every area of ones life, for every area of concern or trial, the bible holds the foundational truth and the remedy to life and these areas and more.

So its full steam ahead. I will be discerning about what is on my plate, I will resist the lie of the delicacies for happiness and I will find joy and healing in the Word of God … applying such daily and in every circumstance.

Do you have an area of your life that you need to conduct differently or take responsibility for? Are you ready for the profound changes that God will make in your life if you allow Him access to these areas?

If so I would encourage you to do the easiest thing I know how to do … Google it, like I did. Simply write what I did (but according to your need) : What does the bible say about obesity? was my question to google … you will be amazed at the resources you find.

My advise from there is to check each resource, diligently, by the bible. Remember God promises us these things, but there is a part we must take responsibility for to receive the promises. Like the second scripture says; God hears the prayers of the righteous! But one must be righteous in the eyes of God for Him to hear your prayer … doing all you know to do in accordance with God’s Word insures that righteousness!

Do not be anxious about anything, Loves, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. As it says in Philippians 4:6

Blessings Loves, and thank you for joining me in FWTH! 🙂

WieldingThe Sword 365 – Battling Anxiety

May I say to you, today, that fear, anxiety and stress has no place in your life, your heart, your mind, or your situation.

Isaiah 35:4

⁴ say to those with fearful hearts,    “Be strong, do not fear; your God will come,    he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution    he will come to save you.”

Anxiety has attacked … out of the blue … evading from the past and who I used to be. In my world this is not acceptable.

I don’t have the time … I don’t have the energy to spare on this disease!

More importantly I do not have to suffer this; society’s new “acceptance” of FEAR.

In Faith fear cannot stand … and in fear Faith cannot stand. There is nothing more clear if you ask me!

Amazing Grace

They say that God’s Word instructs not to FEAR 365 times … and I am on a quest to find as many of them as I can.

Fear is an instilled trait in many of us … some have silent, secret fears, while others suffer unexpectedly, and very visibly, for no apparent reason.

This world tells us we are afflicted … I say what the Word says!

Psalm 119: 89-96

  ל Lamedh

⁸⁹ Your word, LORD, is eternal;    it stands firm in the heavens. ⁹⁰ Your faithfulness continues through all generations;    you established the earth, and it endures. ⁹¹ Your laws endure to this day,    for all things serve you. ⁹² If your law had not been my delight,    I would have perished in my affliction. ⁹³ I will never forget your precepts,    for by them you have preserved my life. ⁹⁴ Save me, for I am yours;    I have sought out your precepts. ⁹⁵ The wicked are waiting to destroy me,    but I will ponder your statutes. ⁹⁶ To all perfection I see a limit,    but your commands are boundless.

Life is stressful. I think I’ve tackled the subject of stress before, but it bears repeating, stress comes in many forms. I call them:

The Good … The Bad … and … The Ugly

Today I deal with the bad … Saturday I battled the Ugly!

How does one battle the ugly and survive? I say survive because the anxiety junky truly feels as if they are dying. The heart races, uncontrollably, sweats break out and one feels as if they will simply shake until their very body shatters into little pieces of tinkling glass. Some suffer so severely that they come to a place where they do not recognize their own surroundings. Terror truly making them lost!

Been there, done that and do not intend to relapse into this abyss of mind bending disease!

I’ve taken the medications. I’ve had “professional” treatment ,that wanted me to visit a past that could not be remedied, and as I look back I think, what good does visiting my past have in my healing? I’ve come to know that my past, while making me the survivor that I am, cannot heal me for my future.

The only remedy that works, in my opinion, is described clearly in the Word of God. The Word defines fear as not from God. God says there is nothing in this world for us to fear; for He built us, for He is with us, for He will never forsake us, for He will rescue us.

Of course there is a part we have in our rescue! We must trust God. We must remain in His Word so that we KNOW the truth about how we were created, who we are in Christ and how we are expected to live our lives.

We are to live our lives in Faith! We are to believe God … not just “in” God … but in every word that proceeds from His mouth.

So my purpose is to write about or simply post God’s guidance, through His Word, in regard to the level of fears in our lives. Like I said there should be 365! One for each day of the year.

Think about that … God so loved us that He prepared to let us know daily that He has our backs! If this knowledge, alone, does not quell today’s stress and fear, I do not know what can!

Do you suffer fear. Does the stress in your life cause you to suffer undo worry? May I suggest that you open the Word of God to the back and find the scriptures that speak to this affliction. May I invite you to join me on this Healing Journey on ending fear in our lives by applying God to the wound.

Blessings LOVES. I HOPE in FAITH that you are blessed here.

Doing What I Know to Do …

welcome to few words thursday …click the picture to go to the [not so strict] purpose and rules of the ‘fwth’ prompt… 🙂

today i was intrigued by this Self Reliance prompt.

Honestly I was intrigued more by the Emerson quote:

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could.”

I don’t know how to do that. Correction … I am learning how to accomplish this.

 

Worthwhile Day by Jessica Dang

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you
could.”

What is one thing you can do that would make today worthwhile? What’s
stopping you from getting started right now?

(Author: Jessica Dang)

——————————————————————————————

what is the #1 thing i can do to make today worthwhile?

This was a very sharp, double-edged question today … Easy and terribly difficult, at the same time, particularly today.

The #1 thing I do that makes any day worthwhile is to respond to my Calling … to respond to my day to day … by  writing my LIFE and my HEART in a ministering manner.

That makes my day worth while, in the only true way I know … following the Holy Spirit with my pen {keyboard}, to the heart and spirit of a like-minded person who needs to know what God says about things …

THINGS: meaning our day to day life, as we see in Psalm 138:8

“The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands.”

Other translations say “the Lord perfects that which concerns me…”

Do you know the purpose God has on your life? Do you know your calling?

FYI: Only you and God know what you’ve been called to do, and no one can take that from you …

That is, except [me] YOU.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

the second half of this prompt is:  “what is stopping you from getting started right now?”

Again … that would be me.

Somewhere in the bible it says that satan steals my blessings … and my #1 blessing in this life is God’s Word.

He gave us His Word so that we might exhibit such in our day to day lives and interactions… so that we might SHARE His Word by the telling and example of it in our lives.

Most times we do this through our individual CALLING.

Then the Word says…

2 Timothy 3:16  (MSG)

^14-17But don’t let it faze you. Stick with what you learned and believed, sure of the integrity of your teachers—why, you took in the sacred Scriptures with your mother’s milk! There’s nothing like the written Word of God for showing you the way to salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. Every part of Scripture is God-breathed and useful—showing us truth, exposing our rebellion, correcting our mistakes, training us to live God’s way. Through the Word we are put together and shaped up for the tasks God has for us.

Today I am doing my best not to be fazed … and to write. So nothing is preventing me from getting started doing what it is that makes this and all days worthy while.

I am writing. I am sharing the Word, and my heart ,in the hope that it reaches like-minded souls and assists them, as the Holy Spirit and my trusted counsel assist me.

It is what I do … and while I may be hesitant this day, due to God’s correction [see the scripture verse in bold]… God has provided me everything I need to complete this task He has given me.

What stops you from using you calling? How do you overcome the mental or emotional block that stops you from doing what would make your day worth while?

~~~~~~~~~

I read a something this morning that really spoke to me on this subject, even before I read todays prompt.

Lysa TerKeurst’s blog today dealt with a very similar subject … in her blog she wrote something like this …

My choice is whether or not to give away the power to control my emotions.

When I react, rather than respond, I give away the power to control [my] self, because of the emotion of the situation.

~ when I react to something, I respond and communicate through my emotions, and I have been taught not to respond while I am in an emotional state….there is a popular slogan that speaks to this emotion thing quite well and  some will recognize it quite well:

don’t think … don’t drink … go to a meeting

In instances like these it is the don’t think that is vital. Drinking is not a concern any longer and I go to meetings frequently to maintain sober mindedness and sober behavior.

When I react I give someone or something else power over me.

Void of Power = Void of [self] Control.

Therein, my friends lies both my problem and my solution.

So today I thank God for the work He is doing in me. It always amazes me that He, our Omnipotent Creator, takes the time to …

Perfect what concerns me … even the writing down of my thoughts.

Simply Amazing Faithfulness!

Blessings Loves ♥

…delighting myself in the Lord…

We had Praise and Prayer Friday at our church this evening, and it was good.

Lately I have been battling something … someone … me, and I didn’t know why. I still don’t, except to know that it is a hormonal thing.

But, Jesus died for that! So why?

Because I gave in to the overwhelming deluge of hormonal waves? Easy I guess as one does not actually feel this physically, it’s more of an emotional physical occurence, I guess.

All things positive in my spirit seemed to have been arrested. Strange, because outwardly nothing happened, all things were good; a status quo. Life was rolling smoothly and steadily along. Yet, there I was with a sense of foreboding, emptiness and angst.

Not the usual “little ball of sunshine” as my husband teases! Not myself.

Usually by Friday I am done. Looking forward to a Saturday with my hubby, hopefully, or at the very least a day that is not consumed by the needs of others and the world at large. So having to go out on a Friday night does not usually cause me to be joyful.

However, tonight, I was looking forward to Prayer Friday. No, more like EXPECTING God …I was entirely prepared, having done my level best to be prayed up and in; to be released from this overwhelming emotional upheaval of this week.

God was faithful!

The music that we began prayer with was not to my usual taste, however, it was calm and flowed like the warm waves of a calm ocean on a breezy summer night. I began to feel the Holy Spirit wash over me, caressing my spirit, soothing my mind.

Our Pastor Scott lead us to leave our cares of the week and day behind us and follow the Holy Spirit to the throne of God, blessedly I felt this and entered in.

Then our Pastor Santhosh lead us to this scripture …

Psalm 37:3-4

³ Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
⁴ Take delight in the LORD,
   and he will give you the desires of your heart.

And there it was … my solution. Dwell in the land and enjoy safe pature…Take delight in the LORD.

I was not dwelling in the Kingdom!

I was no longer enjoying the safety of the pasture.

I had ceased to delight [myself] in the LORD!

You see we do this to ourselves! While indulging in the ravaged, hormonal and emotional upheaval my body told me I couldn’t do anything about, I wandered from the path of Peace, Love and Delight.

David delighted in the LORD during some really bad times! Lions, Giants and Wars, O’my! So why can’t I?

The bible says that God inhabits the Praise of His people! I was praying, but all of my, other, usual routines were passed by with the attitude of “I don’t care”, “I don’t feel like it” and “I can’t”.

I was ignoring devotionals and I was not praising God. All things I know to be vital to my personal spirituality. My relationship with God hinges on these things, it’s how I spend intimate time in the LORD.

I wasn’t doing the things I knew to do. I was actually avoiding them! Talk about a back slide!

Ah, my natural character defect; my worst enemy, me, got loose and decided a week of frustrated depression was in order! And the spiral to hell and hellish behavior began.

Then God …

In all His love and faithfulness He remained by my side to teach me something. Seriously, He must have thought…Child if you’re going here anyway…

Let me teach you Quietude…

Quietude or Serenity … though it did not begin serenely, I remained oddly quiet. Throwing some of my closest friends and loved ones.

Quiet is not a description anyone who knows me would use! 🙂

I guess God decided if I was not going to Praise Him, if I would not delight in Him, He would teach me quiet.

I can’t say it was a good time, or that it was true Quietude. It wasn’t peaceful, but it was oddly calm, like before a storm. And the storm did come, this was a physical occurrence, after all. But I was quiet, though I could not hear God or sense Him physically (I enjoy both the audible and physicality of God) I knew He was there.

He does not leave or forsake us, thank goodness.

Now, exhausted from the emotions and angst of this week, I feel released from it all. I have been forgiven my rebellious nature, as always, and I write this to guide, to teach, to share in what I learned.

Pray through…

Praise through…

Ignor the feelings of NO feelings. He is there and He will lead, you just continue to move forward, speaking the Word…doing the Word, until you willingly return to the path of Peace, Love and Delight; all the things God is, and none of the things we are without Him.

How are you? What do you do to return to the path of Peace, Love and Delight in the LORD?

What scriptures or songs lead you back Home to Daddy’s throne room?

I’m going there now, why don’t you read the Book or play that love song to God that you love so much and join me. I would love to share this release with you.

Blessings Love ♥

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Resolved to inquire of the LORD…

Good Morning Loves!  ♥

I am very grateful to be writing right now.

Andrea - Writer: Write down the vision and make it plain...Hab. 2:2

 

I had to change my perspective. In my heart I decided I wasn’t a writer!  In my head blogging was not writing…so I even got lax!

I was losing heart!

Well all my blogging friends, I’m sure you will be glad to know that Blogging is Writing! Like you all need me to tell you. However, I am grateful that all of your dedicated blogging was instrumental in getting me back to my calling!

 Keeping me safe and warm in your words while I struggled to find mine.

I find it amazing how quickly thinking like the World, even in one small area, can cause a Spirit to fail.

Yes…fail.

Far too long I have failed at God‘s merciful restoration of my passion to write.

Too long I have wallowed in my perceived inadequacies. Even coming to the point of truly buying into the “I don’t have the time…”

Really! I am a semi-retired social worker who enjoys the freedom  of a very part-time gig as the Church Secretary! NO time??? REALLY!

The last several days…weeks, of devotionals and motivationals have been a reality check.

A Spiritual Reality Check!

 I thank all of you, and I thank God for all of you.

First it was Habakkuk 2:2 from Kim Potter’s motivational…Write the Vision Down…

Next was Lysa TerKeurst encouraging us to study one or two words in a scripture for depth of meaning…and another place, at the same time I got Joel 2:11-13 “Even now…” and …

Revelation 2: 1-7  RETURN TO YOUR FIRST LOVE, from where I don’t remember.

This morning I read a post from Proverbs 31 Ministries; Losing Heart by Marybeth Whalen…which spoke to a devotional note from yesterday, and I am sorry, I do not recall where this came from.

I really do glean from many devotionals and motivational blogs, all sharing and teaching God’s Word!

The note said something to this effect, ‘ my feelings indicate what I am going through in a situation and that these feelings cannot, should not, dictate my reaction.’

2 Chronicles 20:3 “Alarmed, Jehoshaphat resolved to inquire of the LORD, and he proclaimed a fast for all Judah.” and now I remember where I got the above note!! 🙂 Lysa TerKeurst’s blog!

Thank You, Holy Spirit for bringing that to my memory. Scripture is so true! Praise God!

Lysa was taken by the fact that Jehoshphat’s name was sandwiched between his dilemma and his solution.

God presents us with a choice in our circumstance, our situations and even our trials and tribulations!

We have a choice….between our Alarm and our resolution.

Resolution: the act of answering or resolving. Something that is resolved, having firm resolve. A decision or determination.

RESOLVED TO INQUIRE OF THE LORD…

In this mornings devotional from Proverbs 31 Ministries I gleaned this gem:

“Therefore, since through God we have this ministry, we do not lose heart.” 2 Corinthians 4:1

Have you ever lost heart in something you wanted to do? A goal? A passion? Your calling in Christ?

What is on your heart to do? Have you lost heart?

Losing heart is so very easy if we look to our natural circumstances.

Really! I decided I didn’t have time in my ‘busy’ existence.

Yes! existence, I wasn’t living! I was becoming overwhelmed with my personal decisions about what was important and what I could manage to do. Everything ran together and my focus was scattered.

This happens much too often in my life these days! Therefore this day…

I am resolved to inquire of the LORD…

Only through his mercy do I have this ministry of writing.

Even though I battle feelings of inadequacy in this area I REFUSE TO LOSE HEART!

I am going to use the scriptures that spoke to me from Marybeth Whalens devotional today

, and I thank her, deeply!

Paraphrased:

…always pray and do not give up. Luke 18:1…resolve to inquire of the Lord!

…remember we are being renewed daily. 2 Corinthians 4:16…renew your mind in the Lord!

…focus on the harvest to come…it will come if we do not give up! Galatians 6:9…focus on the things of the Lord!

…have comfort in your ability to approach God with freedom and confidence. Ephesians 3:12-13…where the Lord is there is Freedom!

…remember that nothing compares to what Jesus endured for us and His ministry. Hebrews 12:3…the Lord endured the Cross, sin, inadequacy, trials…so that we would not have to…His true ministry was to Save All the World.

Nothing…NOTHING compares!

In Christ we can do all things!

” I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me; I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency. ” Philippians 4:13 – Amplified.

I thank You, Father, right now for the women who are dedicated to sharing and teaching Your Word out here in the blogosphere. I thank You that You have shown mercy on me and restored my skill and passion for writing, and that You have chosen me to join the ranks of women such as these! I am excited and daunted by this task, and give all the Glory to You LORD! May I please You with my words. May I Glorify only YOUR NAME.

I resolve, LORD, to inquire of You alone when I feel my hope and my passion waning again. I will inquire of YOU. In Jesus’ name, amen.

What is it that you have been losing hope in Love?

I encourage you to resolve to inquire of the LORD…there you will find the definitive answer to your dilemma. There you will find the only true answer.

Blessings Loves ♥

 

 

 

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Inscribed upon my Heart by God: Andrea, Writer.

Quotes

Originally uploaded by The Casual Photographer

I’m having a slow, tired, rainy day. Most of us experience these. However, mine, in the gloom of an overcast, rainy Jersey day, becomes a thing of negativity. Having slept in due to fatigue, and this Wednesday being the first day in two weeks where I was not bound to an errand based schedule, I inadvertently slipped into a depressive state.

At noon I forced myself up and moving. I am always amazed at how quickly I slip right back into my old man.

Instantly…

I begin with I’ll take a twenty-minute rest and two hours later that rest has turned into a sleep that sets me off track.

Off track in body, mind and spirit.

Yes…that is all it takes for me.

Those who have suffered with depression, and I do not participate in depressive states of being any longer!, understand that sleep is an enemy. A symptom, not a remedy!

I grabbed my cold cup of coffee from earlier…I know, some don’t understand cold coffee 🙂 I was raised to nurse a cup of coffee all day! Got dressed, folded some laundry and headed to the office feeling fatigued.

An over-sleep induced fatigue, I was not feeling well…

Depression!

I ditched a few of my e-mail devotionals as they were not speaking to me and then opened Kim Potter’s , A New Thing Ministries motivational for today, “Write it Down”. I also read part of Sarah Markley’s blog for this morning; “Sarah Who?”, but stopped because I felt it didn’t speak to me…that is until I coupled it with Kim Potter’s!

Depression makes me feel invisible, unnoticeable, unWorthy…all lies. I know these lies intimately and the masquerade as truths. Truth Imposters spoken by others….angry parents, the school yard bullies, the popular girl in class, the cute boy who laughed when you bought his attention for something it was not…LIES of invisibility and scorn.

As I lay there in my late waking, trying to motivate myself into being productive, I thought about all those productive things God has gifted me with.

ONE stands, mocking me…because I know it was a restored gift, and I cannot figure out by what (who) or how the brick wall of fear was erected!

ME…

*ANDREA, WRITER.

Sarah in her post this morning, found that being one of a zillion Sarahs on the planet caused her to always lead with her last name to identify herself. She found it demeaning that people didn’t recognize her voice or know which Sarah she was.

I think I am in a different place. I find myself demeaning myself in regard to the gift I know I have been called to use.

I believe it is the title; WRITER… How pretensious of me to believe that I am a Writer…see I couldn’t even put it in bold.

…then I think, or the Holy Spirit rises and speaks…how sinful is it that I don’t believe what God has given me…

I love to write. I am good at writing.

I’m not exactly a Story Teller, I am a Life Teller.

I share from where I am, I write from my heart, perspective and life.

I have been given an assignment to write. To write a specific book. Yet I cannot put the pen to paper, or the words on the screen.

I sit, in sadness; depression and think “maybe tomorrow”!

And then….

I just feel less than. Not able, a nothing…a nobody. NOT WORTHY!

I am choosing this, I know…

In my morning (afternoon) devotions I was given another, more personal assignment, from God.

“Write the vision down and make it plain; that YOU, ANDREA may run when you read it.” Habakkuk 2:2, adaptation.

Kim’s motivational explains that when we write these things down they become registered in the Kingdom. While God instructed that things be written, engraved or inscribed on stone, wood or metal, today we have to our avail, as well, the permanency of the internet.

We all know that once something is in cyberspace it is there for all time!

In Habakkuk 2:2 the definitions of the key words are these:

Write: inscribe, engrave, describe or detail in words, register, record and decree

Vision: see, perceive, prophesy – BEHOLD

Read: call out, proclaim, summon, appoint

Oooo I forgot to add this quote from Kim Potter’s blog, very important:

 “Just this morning I was reading something that confirmed this action; I want to share it with you ~ KP”

            It is from Bill Burns, he said the Lord said; I would have My people to once again be a people of faith.  My challenge to you now is to begin to walk in an absolute faith that refuses double-mindedness and negativity; a faith that refuses to allow the enemy to gain the victory over you. So rise up, you people of faith, for it is by faith that you overcome the world. It is by faith that you enter into a fullness of life in the kingdom of My Son, says the Most High.  Come forth in faith and walk in the power of it.  Demonstrate the kingdom and manifest the supernatural and the fullness of that which I am doing.  Begin to decree and to declare and to write a thing, for as it is written it is released in to the heavenlies and it shall come forth as My word and My word does not return to Me void, says the Lord. 

            As it is written it is released in to the heavenlies and it shall come forth.  I encourage you today to write your vision and make it plain – in doing so, you guarantee its release and it’s coming forth.  Remember, His word does NOT return void.

Today I will engrave in words and on my heart that I am Andrea, Writer. I will see, I will behold the gift and assignment given me by God, done; completed. I will proclaim and thank my God for the gift that He has graced me with, in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Thanks for reading Loves.

Blessings ♥

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