Emotional…

I was never an emotional being. I existed in the sanguine land of sarcasm and anger, cousins really. Caustic humor with razor edge timing to boot.  Now… I am emotions-r-us…not pretty!

It has been better than a year now, and I am not enjoying this. At this point God is taking me through another change and I’m not sure what it is. I do know that the women I know are not liking this change. I am too quiet now,  and when confronted about it I become very angry. Not fun, for anyone.

As anyone who knows me, and anyone who reads this blog, these past two week have been a time of mourning for my family and I.  Yet I have had correction brought to me from two of my dear friends as to my knowing better about why some of the ladies feel the way they feel about my recent behavior. My being quiet and not myself. And while, yes I know better, I also need time to adjust. It may be a fact of life, death, but I’ve never really had to deal with death on this magnitude. So, I am not sure how I feel about the correction, yet does it really matter?

This new resurgence of anger is really quite uncomfortable, though. I simply just want to be left alone. This is not good, it feels like an unwanted family visit from depression. The black hole of death! Been there, done that and do not want to visit the house of horror again, thank you.

I used to know what the stages of mourning were. Just googled them…

Denial:

Anger:

Bargaining:

Depression:

Acceptance:

I never felt denial…just a deep sorrow upon waking the first few days, when the truth assaulted my soul.

Anger…hello here I am.

Bargaining…being a Christian, I don’t believe I will have to do this one, there is nothing to bargain for, my Grandson has gone home.

Depression…trying to avoid any long term visit to this ward.

Acceptance…again, being Christian I am able to accept that this sweet boy is home with the Father.

So…Its anger and depression…old friends that I do not miss, and do not  want to spend time with. Unproductive and addictive moods, actions, whatever!  So what now??

I guess I will continue to simply look up.