Sorrowful…

    Isaiah 61:3

To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

I await the oil of joy for this mourning. I wonder if I am doing something wrong. I remain sorrowful for many reasons. I put on the garment of praise, while continuing in the sensation that it is not quite getting to the heavenlies. I know that this is a lie, that my Jesus is the same today as He has always been, and that somehow this is alright. I know this is all right, yet as I think this and type this I continue to feel the deep sorrow.

I see babies and long for my grandson. This feels so very odd to me.

No one here is really talking. When I try to see if there is some comfort here, I just stop. No one seems to know how to comfort. I extend comfort to the kids, Holly just says everything is okay, but her eyes are very sad and dim. Shane, well he just continues to ignor me, or when I persist he tells me to just leave him alone. These are not good signs of behavior, considering their past life choices. And I simply cannot do this again.

I am tired. Weak from constant strife and ciaos. I cannot continue to feel no relief from this pain and survive. At least that is how it feels. My friend asked me to add “yet” to the phrases of “I can’t” so that it has hope.

I pray that God reveals what is happening here, in me. These things hurt so deeply and just when I think I may have gotten past a hurdle, it surges back over me.

Saddness and sorrow are undefinable to me. I think I’ve said in posts that I don’t know what to do with these feelings. I want to curl up into a ball and sob, but I don’t think I will ever stop if I do.

Wow! What do I do now?

I guess I’ll continue looking up…and praise my Lord. Its all I know to do now…