#Crazysad


Tears

Asking why … it’s really just an emotional merry-go-round.

Why me? How come? Why now? Why all at once? Why … why … Y?

Pop is passing … and I am unpleasantly surprised by my deep sadness. I am usually stronger, usually level headed and in control. Not this time.

When I saw the screen on the phone alerting me that Mom & Pop were on the phone my heart sank quickly and then slammed back up into my throat. I knew it was THE call. Either he had passed or we were to prepare and …

WAIT. So we wait.

In the silent numb over the last night and half of this day my thoughts were scattered between wondering why I couldn’t find a picture of him when he was well and dealing with another crisis threatening my very sanity that is spinning simultaneously with the attempt to patiently wait on the end …

Many things go through a head during the waiting … the Whys about the past don’t seem relative … the understanding that the boundaries that were set were necessary doesn’t seem relative either … only the desire to know that they …. Mom and Pop are taken care of at this time seems relative and I am stuck thousands of miles away. And the fact is I don’t want to go … I don’t want to see him frail and small … this man who was such a hard task master to small and fatherless children so many years ago. I don’t want to watch my mother crumble one more (maybe the last) time.

No, I don’t want that responsibility anymore. I just want to be the daughter who hurts and loves her parents. I don’t want to be the one holding everything together while she’s needed and then tossed aside when all is done.

So I grieve in the waiting and I listen to my Mother when she calls to tell someone what is going on so far away, while she tries to comfort the one who doesn’t want to go because she’s always been the one to go while always losing so much …

What does this say about me? Who the heck am I … as tears stream down this face, mourning in wait the step-father who was so (too) hard …

And I forgive all that, him and me … and pray for his salvation, for his comfort, for his peace … hoping that he knows, even when I just found out, that I love him.

The Me He Created {Day 1}


Frayed

I am beginning a quest here today. Some of the women bloggers I follow online followed a prompt last month … 31 Days to: _______. Each lady chose a different goal; but one caught me and in my fear I didn’t follow fully and did not get in on it. Jennifer’s posts were too close to a journey I was procrastinating about … You can read all 31 of Jennifer’s beautiful posts right HERE! 

What I didn’t realize, when I delved into the reality of joining, was that over 600 women bloggers had connected. So here I am, again, late to the prom … but maybe it needs to be this way so that I truly reach my goal.

This is the real me … very little editing; just some artistic textures to give the feel of an old photo; other than that this is the true Andrea {the HOPEannFAITH face of this blog} .

The Real Me

This is the me that God made, Fearfully and Wonderfully! Yet, I am continually trying to improve upon the Master’s work … make more of His plan.

I’ve come to a place of fatigue, where I have found that I am wearing myself out. Trying to find, understand or improve upon Me … What am I looking for, why do I need to be better?

I think it is a common issue for many today, primarily women. We’ve been thrust into a station in life that I now believe was never intended for us. We are the caretakers, the nuturers, in a world that requires us to be providers and protectors.

Oh God knew we’d end up here, He knew the end from the beginning … and He knew we’d be thrust here.

After the fall {you know, Adam, Eve and the Apple!} He began building again … a better thing, one that could not have existed without this foundation.

Being thrust into these unnatural rolls, I believe, bread into me, at least, this need to be seen and heard.

But I had been conditioned by a traumatic upbringing [and aren't all upbringings traumatic, in some respect?] to believe:

You are less than.

Worthless

Unlovable

Unworthy

Not to be seen or heard …

While I believe that motherhood and wifehood are truly what we were built for, we now function in a world that does not respect those positions.

Motherhood and being a wife were held in such respect once upon a time. Now it is pishawed and looked down upon as something not important. For those reasons I never prepared to be good at those things, they were lesser things in the eyes of my parents, my father, society.

To look upon it now, I know it to be a tragedy.

Now, I am a work from home jack of all trades! A secretary and writer and amateur photographer ~ seeking to be seen and heard, for my own glory!

My children are adults, and what is done is done there; I did ok, I think. They are their own men now and I strive to be my own woman; Mother is nolonger needed or wanted. I wish I had been more aware of the importance when I was needed … but my boys are the Men God created them to be …

Now the Me He Created!

Back to my need for glory …

Why??? Because I feel invisible and in that sense of invisibility I strive, to fatigue, to know Who I am!

What am I supposed to be doing?

Blessed with these gifts I struggle to make all of them shine, at the same time. Yet I feel as if I am getting nowhere … and that my voice is fading in the crowd … and the most terrible of these is …

feeling as if I am not as good as those I aspire to be … my writing – not good enough; my photography – too amateurish …

So I begin today … to be content with the blessings of this life of mine. To find in this, seemingly mundane, existance the path on which God intended me to walk.

I am seeking the Me He created … then I will be heard, I will share His Word, His way and I will be seen in the Glory of Him!

What is keeping you from the YOU He created?

What obsticle, today, is making you feel less than who He made you to be, causing you to attempt improvements on the Master(‘s) Plan?

Will you praise Him with me today? Because we’ve been fearfully and wonderfully made; [we] knowing full well; our hearts knowing, that wonderful is the work of His hand. ~ Psalm 139:14

Let us strive today to be the Awesome He made us to be; together. Let me hear your voice today  … please leave a comment I desire so to connect with the awesomeness of YOU!

Blessings Loves! 

Afraid to Do…#Trust 30 on Few Words Thursday!


Let My Words Be Few...

If you’ve read my blog this week you know that I have joined the #Trust 30 Challenge that was inspired by Emerson’s 208th birthday, The Domino Project is republishing a work of art that’s especially relevant today. Self-Reliance by Ralph Waldo Emerson urges readers to trust their intuition rather than conforming to the will of the majority.
This Thursday…and probably the remaining Thursdays in the month of June…maybe July, as I backtrack to the days I missed, I will be combining my FWT posts with my
contributions. So as usual FWT has minimal rules…which can be found when you follow the link connected to the picture. You can also follow the Trust 30 button to participate in this provocative writing prompts. I hope you’ll join us. I would love to share this space with you!
Now this prompt actually belongs to yesterday…however, I never received it in the e-mail so I am writing it now…these Trust 30 prompts are NOT easy…and some of them will probe in the hidden places of a soul. Like this one:

The other terror that scares us from self-trust is our consistency; a reverence for our past act or word, because the eyes of others have no other data for computing our orbit than our past acts, and we are loath to disappoint them. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Emerson says: “Always do what you are afraid to do.”

What is ‘too scary’ to write about? Try doing it now.

(Author: Mary Jaksch)

…•*¨*•☼•*¨*•…•*¨*•☼•*¨*•…•*¨*•☼•*¨*•…

She was afraid. Afraid to tell…He said they wouldn’t believe a little kid. He threatened to blame it on her. He confused her. He loved her, treated her nice when mom and grandma were around, but then…

He changed. He got scary. He hurt her…He hurt the baby…

:/

This is the scary stuff that one day I will write about. But…what is scary now, is he was right! He was right…they didn’t believe the little girl (s); there were 4. He was right, they didn’t believe the angry teenagers, there were 4.  Worse, the mother didn’t help until her youngest girl was a full-blown alcoholic adult and demanded that she confront him (her brother!). Leaving the oldest girl more bitter and angry, at 30 something, than she had been prior, because when she asked her mother to believe her she didn’t. She accused and berated, she didn’t help.

What is scary to this day is that the mother of 2 of the 4 still harbors her brother. Still demands that her daughters respect…

What is scary is the rage, the wrath, that is born in such pain and betrayal. What is scary is that one lives and learns to love with this barbed wire wrapped around ones heart. What is too scary to write down, right now, is the realization that children continue to live and endure what  I …this little kid endured, growing up learning love wrong.

What’s too scary to do is write down the acts performed, that caused the work to get to the place of wholeness that  I …that little girl, now woman, enjoys today. It’s scary because of the pain it will cause…Him, Mother and so many others.

Is it really that important to document this process to wholeness??

Yes, I believe it is…so I strive to get past the fear…and put down the words that will help heal a little kid…

Blessings Loves

Few Words Partners: Join us! We would love to share this space with you. :)

Please go and visit HOLLY @ Withado.wordpress.com  , my faithful FWTH partner, and show her some love!

Friday’s Hero and Rockin’ Robins…


Yesterday…May 20, 2011, was a rough day. Closely following a sleepless night and it’s following rough day!
Infact, I believe I would not be remiss in saying that the last two weeks have been rather rough.
 
Yet…not without blessings! Many blessings!
Rather than recount all of the events of the last two weeks let me just tell you the blessings…
 

Grandma came home from the hospital and went directly back into her routing. My mom, aunt and uncle were, miraculously the answers to many prayers! They are stepping up to do what kids should do when their parent begins that NEW SEASON in life that involves quality of life…independance and personal care issues. Not easy, and something I would have bet they (the siblings) would have avoided until her death!

My Honey Had her pups…

Honey's Expectations..

…and while we lost our “Little Guy” 26 hours later; we have 5 robustly healthy and happy Dachies…:)

Then, in the midst of Terrible Yesterday, Friday’s Hero was born…

First thing in the morning of the last day of the world (today was supposed to be judgement day according to some crackpot radio host…) while the sun beamed lazily through my lace curtains my son, James came down streaming great complaint!

“What’s your problem boy?” I asked

“There are birds in my room!!” He answered sleeping still, yet iritated! He continued on about how they started chirping at 5 am and wouldn’t shut up! Didn’t I hear them??? He asked, grumping.

I didn’t hear them, and our day went along it’s seemingly distructive path…

#&* My passenger window fell off it’s track, while open, with a rainstorm on the way!

#&* Little Guy was passing away…

….what else could go wrong I was thinking when I heard the noise!!!

Birds, loud and sounding distressed…

JAMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I called out…Jaaaaaammmmmesssss…

…and down he came with a baby bird in a shirt of his. “MOM! What do I do???”

We thought and I said, well put him outside and see if the mother comes….”and first bring in the serial cat!” (we have baby cat, she is quite the serial predator! Killing, seemingly for sport.) Baby Cat, safely in isolation we remained unsure of what to do…

So I called Lanoka Oaks Veterinary Center, where a friend of mine works. I was referred to Carol…who I was told handles baby birds fallen from nests…

as I called James went to check that their were no more orphans in the closet…and with that he brought down two more, angrily chirping baby birds…

There feathers simply fluff…their pinions not yet feathered, except for beautiful brown tips…and bright yellow open mouths. These babies were very hungry…

She asked some questions, and we came to the conclusion that since there didn’t seem to be any sign of the mother bird (at the time I had no clue what kid of birds these very noisy babies were) that we would bring them to her and she would raise them.

Orphan Robins

James took the birds to Carol…but not before I shot these:

Feed Me..

Resting...or Angry???

There you have it…Terrible Yesterday (May 20th) had it’s many blessings.

While we experienced great loss…

Little Guy

We also enjoyed great blessings…

Blessings Loves…

♥•*¨*•☼•*¨*•♥

Motherhood…A Divine Calling.


♥ ¸¸.•*¨*• I need to thank Robin at ~Pensieve for posting all the quotes that inspired this post…and to the men and women who first penned them!•*¨*•.¸¸♥

Sweet Lilies

When we first consider the premise of motherhood we are hearing a call. A call from God.

The Word says  in Ephesians 4: 10-12

“He who descended is the very one who ascended higher than all the heavens, in order to fill the whole universe.)  So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachersto equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up…”

 Do these not describe the MOTHER…She plants (the apostle), tending life; she goes before her children in wisdom, knowing them, (the prophet); she sings their praises and rises there crestfallen spirits, (the evangelist); she guides them in the ways of God and life, (the pastor); and she instructs her children for life (the teacher).

 So I say to you, those who believe today to be a Hallmark invention…. 

Honor your Mother…no matter your faith… no matter your belief…

 

It was her answer to the call that first sparked life eternal in your heart…

It is she who is the key to that life eternal, here on this earth…

 If not for your mother,sweet child…where, then, would you be?

♥•*¨*•☼•*¨*•♥♥•*¨*•☼•*¨*•♥

 

To be a mother is a woman’s greatest vocation in life. She is a partner with God. No being has a position of such power and influence. She holds in her hands the destiny of nations, for to her comes the responsibility and opportunity of molding the nation’s citizens. 

- Spencer W. Kimball

 

 

 

♥•*¨*•☼•*¨*•♥♥•*¨*•☼•*¨*•♥♥•*¨*•☼•*¨*•♥♥•*¨*•☼•*¨*•♥ ♥•*¨*•☼•*¨*•♥♥•*¨*•☼•*¨*•♥

 

The noblest calling in the world is that of mother. True motherhood is the most beautiful of all arts, the greatest of all professions. She who can paint a masterpiece or who can write a book that will influence millions deserves the plaudits and admiration of mankind; but she who rears successfully a family of healthy, beautiful sons and daughters whose immortal souls will be exerting an influence throughout the ages long after paintings shall have faded, and books and statues shall have been destroyed, deserves the highest honor that man can give. 

- David 0. McKay

 

And so our mothers and grandmothers have, more often than not anonymously, handed on the creative spark, the seed of the flower they themselves never hoped to see — or like a sealed letter they could not plainly read. 

- Alice Walker 

 

Motherhood is the greatest potential influence in human society. Her caress first awakens in the child a sense of security; her kiss the first realization of affection; her sympathy and tenderness, the first assurance that there is love in the world. Thus in infancy and childhood she implants ever-directing and restraining influences that remain through life.

~ David O. McKay

 

Happy Mother’s Day to all …Blessings ♥

Motherhood should come with…: A 5 Minute post…


 

Where we join Gypsy Mama and many other fabulous writers…

                    The rules are simple…

 Write your heart out for five minutes and show us what you’ve got.

 Tell your readers you’re linking up here and invite them to play along.

And most importantly, go visit, read, and encourage the fellow five-minuter who linked up right before you.
                    {Pretty please turn off word verification for the day to make this easier!

A HOPEannFAITH suggestion: Consider the prompt and write your 5 minutes before reading any fellow five-minuter’s post so that your five-minute gem is all your own!

Now without further ado…Todays Prompt: Motherhood should come with…

And Go…

 

James

Motherhood should come with a manual. One handed down from mother to daughter…or son.

A wand that made everything better, booboos healed and tummy aches in the head an abracadabra away!

There should be a newsletter that would come each week with any new advice for an ever-changing world and reminders that pediatricians are not gods and don’t know all things.

There should be a rash handbook that comes immediately upon the boy child’s fifth birthday…with little notes that say things like…eating dirt and licking frogs are NORMAL and NECESSARY for the development of the male of the species…

 

Shane

Motherhood should come with KEVLAR for the heart…protecting MOM from all fears and heartaches…Mother and Child!

Most of all Motherhood should send the mom a note that she gets in the delivery room that says…
Welcome,
Motherhood would like to introduce you to the REAL LOVE of your life. This tiny person who in a lifetime will most love you…most hurt you…and consume most of the next two decades! Baby_________________ will make you proud, make you cry in joy and pain, and one day you will cry with great pride at a graduation and a wedding.
REMEMBER TO: Enjoy and cherish every moment MOMMY…because you will be MOM or Mother in no time, and childhood to adulthood is a blink of the eye. SO…

Cherish this tiny bundle, for they are but gift that one day you will have to relinquish again. But fear not! This relinquishing will be to a life guided by none other than Father God…who has a plan for this new, powder scented life…one of prosperity, safety and with the gift of  hope and a bright future…

 STOP!

 BLESSINGS LOVES…oh! HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!