What I learned at church today … That moment when God reveals His Word to you …

You know the story of Job, right … God gave satan permission to mess with Job, to prove to all that Job was a righteous man who loved God … Well! The hell that was perpetrated by satan on Job was nothing less than personalized torture. In this story Job lost EVERYTHING … his life’s work, his fortune and the worst … the one thing that made Job sorrow was the loss of his children. If that were not enough this rich man was faced with doubtful and basically blasphemous friends and the words and actions of his wife are questionable (Jobs wife is for another post, soon). They certainly were not good company at the time of Job’s most desperate need.

At church today Job’s story was one used in the sermon and two things were revealed to me; some realizations that were meant to speak to my grief.

First was this scripture; Job had just been told that he had lost everything, and had just been told his children were dead …

Job 1:20At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship 21and said:

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,

and naked I will depart.^c

The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;

may the name of the Lord be praised.”

The end of verse 21 caught my heart. Everyone sees this as Job blaming God for the tragedies that are being poured upon his life … but they misunderstand the meaning of this line …

Job is not blaming God, he is stating a fact of his, Job’s, understanding of God’s character toward all of us … Let me show you …

Job is saying I came into this world naked and naked he will leave it. You see Job understood a fundamental piece of our relationship with God the Father … that our lives are from God … He created us and we were born with nothing and everything we gain in this life of ours is God’s; and, that when we leave this earth to return to Father God we can bring nothing we’ve gained, materially, with us … yet return to His glory!

More importantly Job understood something much deeper …. “…The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.”

Job understood that all he had gained in his privileged life was a gift from God. He also trusted that while the things that were taken from Him were known and sanctioned by God, that God was his provision. And  He praises God in his sorrow.

The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;may the name of the Lord be praised.”

In my sorrow I continually praise the Lord … Why, some ask? Because, God did not take My Love to harm me, I know this. God did not give My Love cancer, he knew about it and it was allowed to happen, for reasons I cannot tell you, but I will know the answers in God’s perfect time.

I know some think this crazy, but I know this all to be truth. It has been revealed to me just how deeply intimate my relationship is with Father God. I have learned that Faith is not multiplied without trial and tragedy because we cannot flex it within us without those things. After all, why would we need Faith if not for trial and tragedy? We cannot grow in our faith in God without sorrow and fear.

I may be the daughter of the One True King but I am far from a coddled, spoiled child. I am a warrior for my faith and I have faced and am facing the hard things in this life.

Oh, I could justify the whole sackcloth and ashes mourning in this life of mine, many times over; who couldn’t? But I won’t, my faith does not allow me to mourn in this fashion.

I learned that God truly gives us all what we need to live this life, abundantly, and that even if it is taken from us, for known or unknown reasons, God’s plan and purpose for us is established by Him alone, and He will see to it that those plans and purposes will succeed. It is God’s plan and purpose, it is His job to establish and see to it’s success.

Isaiah 55:10-12

¹⁰ As the rain and the snow
    come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
    without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
    so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
¹¹ so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
    It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
    and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
¹² You will go out in joy
    and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
    will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
    will clap their hands.

I’ve learned in so many lessons in this life, specifically in that last two years … that His Word does not return void.

Who is His Word?

Christ.

Where do we live?

In Christ.

Are we His Word?

Yes … when we are in Christ.

My Love returned to God having completed his mission. I know he returned to hear that most desirable line, “Well done good and faithful servant.”!

I will also return to God having completed my mission. I will not return to my Father void.

… my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

That’s what I learned today … Thanks for reading, my sweet and faithful readers. God bless you.

To sleep perchance to dream …

Sleeping woman with a cat
Wladyslaw Slewinski (ca. 1896)

Not much encourages me lately. I’m having trouble reconciling being encouraged about life, while my heart and air have been taken from me.

But God … just when I need it He gives me comfort and encouragement …

I’ve had some trouble sleeping lately. Not out of fear, I don’t think. Just insomnia, probably brought on by dragging out getting up in the morning (afternoon). It’s waking up I fear.

Well maybe fear is too strong a word. Let me use an equally strong, but more accurate term; loath.

No denial here. Just anger.

Last night I fell asleep with artificial help for maybe an hour or so last night and then I woke about 3 am to a silent home. I turned the tv back on with the volume low and laid back down and slept and dreamt.

I closed my eyes in prayer, hoping that My Love would come in a dream … he did. ❤

I remember clearly his arm around my middle, that close familiar comfort.

I talked to him about normal stuff. I remember getting up and doing normal stuff, like before he was ill. Talking to him all the while.

Though I don’t remember hearing his voice. I don’t think he spoke. He just shook his head when I asked before waking up, …

He answered me when I asked, ” Are you really here or am I in denial?”

He shook his head to both, I remember knowing he was answering both questions.

No he wasn’t really here, it was a dream to comfort me for sleep.

No I wasn’t in denial, I was having a dream.

And right now as the tears come I am comforted by the dream God allowed me so I would sleep.

I am encouraged that I will see him and have the momentary comfort of his presence, if only in a dream.

Thanks for reading and God bless.

I write … dealing with the hard things in life

Why do I write? Well like my home page tells you it is to share life … to encourage others that they are not alone in the day to day things of this life and to help them live positively on purpose.

Today that’s just what I am struggling to do … amongst the hardest things I’ve ever faced in this life. After this I truly believe I will never be daunted by the day to day struggles or even the hard things quite as much ….

Life has been quite the puddle of tears and throbbing ache of late.
As some of you know, My Love, The Hubs, went home to be with the Lord two weeks ago, tomorrow.

My Love

I look at the calendar and sit in stunned amazement, and anger (today), that he is not here. I miss him.

So … I’ve been told to journal. To write. But what words can convey this sorrow. This deep and terrible emptiness and anger?

What are those stages of grief anyway?? Many years ago I wrote about them when I lost my grandfather and uncle. And while the pain of those loses was significant they DO NOT compare to the loss of My Love. When The Hubs passed with him he took my heart and air. Seriously I find myself holding my breath often … I find that curious and it’s not explained by the 5 stages.

Today I want to call these the 5 stages of dying … it’s what I imagine a broken heart goes through as it stops working … melodramatic? I guess, but it’s where I am right now.

So the stages …

Denial (this isn’t happening!)

I can honestly say I began going through this as My Love slipped from us over a weeks time. It was that strikingly fast! I’d find myself shaking my head in confusion? denial? that this was not happening. That it couldn’t be. Our love was so big, so deep that he couldn’t be leaving, not yet.
But denial(?) I’m not sure that is what I was truly experiencing … it was disbelief that it “could” be happening, not a denial of it’s reality. There was a point before he was non-responsive that I knew that he’d visited and experienced a glimpse of heaven (he told me, no in so many words, and this was a blessing later.) that I knew but continued to hold onto the hope that if he chose to he could stay.

But seriously … who after having experienced, glimpsed, visited heaven would choose to come back if they didn’t have to?

Anger (why is this happening?)

I’m not sure the “why is this happening” is truly the question. However I’ve just entered, according to my understanding, the anger stage.

They told me “weeks” and it was exactly a week from the time he was discharged from the hospital just about three weeks ago. He came home on Tuesday and was home with the Lord the following Tuesday, just about 12:30 am according to my clock.

The anger I am experiencing at this point is just anger. It doesn’t seem to have a point or target; it just is. This anger disturbs me. I’ve spent many (MANY) years getting anger under control in my life. It, for many years, was the emotion I filtered everything through. Anger is my nemesis … seriously. It is the one place, (emotional place) I can easily return to without even a sliver of thought. It feels familiar (almost safe, though it is anything but safe for me), like home to me. VERY dangerous place for me to spend time.

“Why is this happening?”, “Why?”. No those aren’t the questions at the core of this. But I cannot, today, tell you what the question is. I guess that is different for everyone going through grief.

I’m intelligent and I know why. I’m even comforted that My Love is not feeling pain or suffering what he, himself referred to as “not living”. He was very frustrated by what life had become with this insidious illness they call cancer and he had come to a place where he was regretting and angry with himself about what he was “leaving” me with.

Yes. We both knew and it broke our hearts. I sought the Word in my brokenheartedness and knowing my Bible Professor he went to the Word without the book! ❤

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. ~ Psalm 34:18

God I miss him. It’s just empty and hollow and it pisses me off!

So yeah. This is where I am at today. And like I promised in my about me, I’m writing to share this … the hard and scary things, because in the end that is my ministry, my calling.

As for the rest of the stages … I’ll try to share them when I arrive there. No promises that I’ll have the right words; though I can promise you that my take will not be clinical or even correct according to the world’s take on where I am in the stages. Because quite frankly I’m finding that while I’ve arrived at 2 and have left the 1st. behind, that my faith in God and His Word have altered the world’s truth of what these stages are about.

Here are the other 3, for reference, for later … though if I think about it I can say I’m going dealing with the realities of bargaining too … I’ll save that for my next post, I need to ponder how to relate how I’m dealing with that one. Honestly if I think about it at all I’m currently dealing with a mean combination of Anger, Bargaining and Depression simultaneously! Like I said, that’s for another post!

Goodness my mind wanders and gets filled with so MANY thoughts all at the same time. So it’s time for me to stop right now. You understand … right? My sweet friend readers.

Bargaining (I promise I’ll be a better person if…)
Depression (I don’t care anymore)
Acceptance (I’m ready for whatever comes)

As always thank you for stopping by and reading, and God bless!

Standing on a road I did not plan.

It’s FMF time … on Saturday.

Five minutes of unedited writing. No worries and no regrets. Just link up here … check the rules here … and read and encourage your fellow writer to your left and/or right in the link up. Spelling and sentence construction are unimportant here. What is important is what is in your heart … put it on the page and know it’s good enough for what God intends it for.

The prompt is: Plan …

Ready. Set. Go.

Dear God … I need you now.

Standing on a road I did not plan … it’s a lyric of a Plumb song that first came out just after The Hubs was diagnosed with lung cancer. Today I needed that song … I needed the lyrics to help me articulate my cry to God.

many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it’s the Lord’s purpose that prevails. ~ Proverbs 19:21

I stand in the middle of this desolate road and [like the lyrics, which I’ll post at the end along with the video] I ponder how we got to this exact place. I wonder … what is the lesson here?

Is it that God provides?

Is it that God does not give us more than we can handle?

Is it to keep moving forward, in faith, to the breakthrough?

Does it matter? I mean in the question of what is the lesson.

I think what God’s plan is here is to continue to break me [us] for His purposes. To bare us to our very core to reveal His glory within the truest parts of us, The Hubs and I.

I think. No I believe, that at this place he is showing us just how magnificently strong and resilient He has created us and our union that He sanctioned. He’s revealing the testimony of His Sovereignty in us, in our lives.

That said … this road of His … it’s a HARD one, one He knew we would not be able, in our human-ness, to accept, one we would run from, thus separating ourselves from Him in the disobedience of distrust.

So I stand here in the middle of this road that I had no plan for and I surrender. I cannot do anything else, this is so far out of my depth that I can only stand on the edge, hand extended crying out …

God I need you now!

STOP.

Thank you for reading my friends. God bless.

Growing in the Moments of a Life …

Here I am again … two in a row! Joining my dear friend Karen over at Finding The Grace Within for her GROWING blog link up ~ Tuesday at Ten.

A Word Prompt is given and we have 1 full week to use the prompt word to our liking! You can use the word in any way, past tense, or as an action, use the word to which it fits you best. Whether it be just writing a story behind the prompt word, or being as creative as you wish using photos, poems, art, or graphics – whichever creative way you choose. We have 1 week to write and link up our blog at the bottom of this page so that others can link up with you. Be sure to visit your “link up” neighbor and spread the joy of connection! We can even stay connected by visiting the Tuesday at Ten Facebook page for weekly updates and more! Remember  – it’s not about being perfect, it’s about being YOU.

… 0ur soul remains open and limber; available for GROWTH, development and discovery. ~ Shane Hipps

I’ve mulled over this prompt since Tuesday [It’s Saturday!] and I thought it might be about marriage for me … but it’s wasn’t, or was it? IDK.

Life is so much more intimate these days. Deeper within me; sorting out the important and the unimportant.

In a life we often grow so complacent choosing the wrong things as important; leaving open a chance for regret and closing off the Spirit within us that allows us to bloom where we are and grow and develop and discover LIFE itself, in it’s intended form … raw and achingly beautiful, even in the pain.

As always, for me, this thing … this writing and baring clean my soul [you know the soul is your mind right? that it is the Spirit within us that is eternal, not the soul; right?], a purging, if you will, a pruning of thoughts taken captive so that the Spirit of me, my truest self, can dig deep my roots and grow forth in the MOMENT of this life.

Right Here … RIGHT NOW.

This thing … It’s about Me and God. It’s always about God.

Ephesians 4:9-16

But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it. This is why it says:

“When he ascended on high,
    he took many captives
    and gave gifts to his people.^“

What does “he ascended” mean except that he also descended to the lower, earthly regions?  He who descended is the very one who ascended higher than all the heavens, in order to fill the whole universe. So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers,  to equip (to grow) his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up  until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature (grow), attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.

Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming.  Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.  From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

We will grow to become in every respect the mature body of Him who is the head …

So how do I grow in the moments of this life? When, in fact, this life seems to be in a dry and barren place.

A place and time that would beg me to begin the mourning of my most loved one. How does one grow when they want to freeze time to squeeze more out of each second they are graced with?

FAITH … we grow by faith. We do all things by and through faith.

Like I said in the beginning of this post … I’ve grown to a place where the importance of a thing, an act, a situation is very transparently evident. I no longer [have the time to] worry at those things that are temporal or petty.

I no longer have the time because I have grown, in this MOST IMPORTANT situation, my life, to know that TIME is short and is for the cherishing.

But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. ~ 2 Peter 3:8

I’ve grown to understand that because I am SAVED, because I was chosen by our Father Creator, that I do not live in time as those of the world do. I live in God’s time. And that my dear and friendly reader is a literal BLINK of the eye.

So precious. So intimate. So minute. So fragile.

I’ve grown so very much in the last 18 months that I honestly don’t recognize myself sometimes.

I forgive more. I love more. I serve more. I listen more and better. I mull out my thoughts before I speak, wanting only to impart truth and love and genuine emotion what I offer to my … listener, reader, confidante. There is more but I can’t find it right now …

This is the maturity I’ve grown into in just a very short time … That Blink of the eye …

How does one truly grow in the moments … the hard moments?

By faith my sweet friends, always by faith with God by our side. Because when you begin to feel the growth being stunted in a spiritual way, even the most staunch atheist will reach out to the God they so publicly deny. It’s innate within us to call on Him, we are ultimately and infinitely apart of Him … we are all, each one, built to search for our source; and there’s no denying that God, the creator of all that is, was and will be, is that source.

A blogger photographer I follow wrote this:

~ I believe every moment is worth living ~ and remembering ~ even the hard ones. If you look for joy, you’ll find it in the most unexpected places. ~ Kelly Sauer

I’ve grown to ascribe to this sentiment. To the depth of the truth of her quote.

Every moment is worth living – and remembering – even the hard ones.

So I’m off now to live and grow in the precious fragility of this life of mine. To cherish each ache and pain that comes with the stretching of my spirit, my very core, and to gather these memories to my mind and heart so that each word and gesture is extended with gentle wisdom. Conveying only the most intimate heart truths to the ones I love so very much.

Thanks for reading, once again. Your friendship is a blessing and a necessity to me today … and always.
Thank you. Thank you, sweet reading friends of mine.

God bless.

In the face of fear …

I’ve been away from my virtual journal here for the last several weeks; and I’ve been feeling it! I’ve searched for words and phrases to inspire the words to flow, but they would not come. Writer’s block? Nah.

FEAR … I’ve been literally battling fear; so when I saw Karen’s prompt on Tuesday I shrunk back in trepidation (nice 50¢ word for fear); alerting me to the fact that I was, once again, indulging in fear. And as you can see it took me three days to be able to get this moving ….

So here we are again … my Tuesday @ Ten post on Friday at 9:30. But … thank God that those words, so backed up in my heart, are now flowing; at least for today!

So … the thing about fear … it’s a liar. The biggest liar that you will ever encounter! The creativity of a fearful mind rivals the greatest story tellers of all time, in my humble opinion.

When in a full blown state of fear, the kind that comes with the unknowns of this life, the mind can conjure the ugliest, most desolate and crushing scenarios of ones imagination. And that’s the thing … it’s the imagination!

Don’t get me wrong, there are true tangibles in life that warrant a certain self preservation form of fear, but that is not what I am referring to here. I’m not talking about the fear that stems from wisdom; that fear is called caution. I’m not talking about the natural fear we have in reference to something that is dangerous; that fear is reverence ie: I fear the lion over there.

NO … I’m talking about the fear that stems from circumstances beyond our control; fear of the things of life and death …

Fear of the things and outcomes only God controls.

Can I play my broken record here? Just for the edification of those who might not read this blog regular.

What are Hopeannfaith’s fears?

Cancer. Addiction. Loneliness in Alone-ness. Deafening silence. Loss. There are so many, we all have a list!

This post is now being written through a lens of tears! I told you … I realized with the e-mail that announced this week’s prompt that I was in a state of fear, again!

Fear is a thief! It steals my hope, my faith and my peace. It robs me of God’s presence in my day to day.

It’s the constant whisper of dread to my heart’s ear and it convinces me to give up, slowly, without knowledge … I just give in and indulge like a glutton hosting her own pity party. Curling up into the outward silence of my own isolation; unknowingly, once again, seemingly protecting myself from harm, while dying slowly in the arms of the thief.

But God …

Yesterday Lysa Terkeurst posted this gem to her Facebook wall:

Soak in these words tonight before you go to bed:

– God is the solution for every single one of my troubles.
– God is within me and perfectly equips me to know what to do.
– God is with me therefore there is nothing I’ll face alone.
– Evidence of His constant work is all around me if only I will choose to see it.

And I did … I wrote it down and I brought it to bed and I chanted it a few times before I went to sleep.

A prayer.

One that was answered this morning … New Mercies!

To me, walking in fear is a sin … it quiets Holy Spirit in me; oh, I know He’s there and I am comforted in an odd way, while continuing not to trust … I can hear the dim, muted whisper but not make out His Words as He calls me back to Him. So then He yells … using Lysa, my friends, music, whatever He has to to pull me, one of His most stubborn girls, back from the pit. And I thank Him for His Awesome Faithfulness to me.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear … ~ 1 John 4:18

Fear is the opposite of faith … and when I am out of my faith walk I begin to wither and die; we all do, I believe. So I’d like right now to give you some of God’s Word to ward off the fears that you may encounter today. For me it’s called renewal of mind and spirit … putting God’s Words in place of my own thoughts. Maybe you know it as taking each thought captive. It is that and so much more …

God’s Word is Salvation! It rescues us from the pit of hell, which is a very real place and destination.

How do I conquer the fear? God, The Word, Worship …

Take Courage … take it today and indulge there, in God’s Word and promises.

For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. (Isaiah 41:13)

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31:6)

For God gave us not a spirit of fearfulness; but of power and love and discipline. (2 Timothy 1:7)

The Lord is my light and my salvation–whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life–of whom shall I be afraid? (Psalm 27:1)

So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can Man do to me?” (Hebrews 13:6)

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14:27)

He left us peace. God’s peace vanquishes all fear!

Are you fearful today? If you are, I encourage you seek out God’s Word on the subject. Not the subject of your fear, rather the subject of fear itself … you see the subject or circumstance of the fear is not the point, the spirit of fear is the point. It is the spirit of fear that paralyses us, controls us and causes us to separate ourselves from God our salvation!

As I pray fear away, I am praying that all fear be vanquished today. For you, for me, for all.

God bless and thanks, as always, for reading my dear faithful reading friends.

It’s Not about Me {YOU} … It’s a God Thing

Forgiveness …. I have written MANY posts about forgiveness over the years {You can peruse that library of posts right here, if you’re bored!}. Much like you, and most people, I’ve forgiven MANY for MUCH. That’s the way life is.

But what about those people … those acts, that we cannot seem to forgive?

Is it in our nature to forgive? I don’t think so, not in our natural, carnal selves.

To err is human, to forgive divine. ~ Alexander Pope

Forgiveness is a Spiritual thing of healing.

Forgiveness is a God thing.

“I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake and remembers your sins no more.
 Review the past for me, let us argue the matter together; state the case for your innocence. Isaiah 43:25-26

So if God blots out my transgressions (sins) and remembers them no more and offers to argue (discuss, workout) the matter with me; who am I not to forgive those who transgress against me?

Forgiveness is not about ME. It’s about God … It’s me being about the things of God.

Like I said: I forgave many for much; and when I say much I mean a tremendous amount of wrongs! And in this world, even in our families, today, tremendous wrongs are an everyday thing. We’ve fallen so far into the depravity of the world’s view that the “I’m not hurting anyone” mantra is rote.

Well un-forgiveness is painful! To ourselves and to the other parties involved.

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:14-15

Forgiveness is a God thing. Good thing He made us all in his image, to be like Him and do His work in this earth.

Un-forgiveness is like a cancer, one we choose to cultivate! It doesn’t harm the un-forgiven party as much as it harms us, ourselves. It causes bitterness and resentment and eventually total distrust of all, if left unhindered.

So if forgiveness is such a hard thing; and yes a thing, in my studied layman’s opinion, that we are incapable of on our own, without God; how then do we do this thing?

For me it was a hailmary task. I had nothing left in me when I came searching for home … for God. I’d been physically, emotionally, verbally and sexually abused. I’d been abandoned by act and deed and choice and neglected due to illness and lack and simply lack of responsibility.

And finally … I had found refuge in the Hubs before he was the Hubs. I didn’t trust at first. I actually fought, inadvertently my own worst hit man. I undermined my own security and happiness for many years. That often being the result of those who endure much abuse and neglect over time; they grow to believe that this is their lot in life and that they somehow deserve the cards that were dealt, when in fact, they, themselves deal from the bottom of the deck they are holding. Essentially choosing their abusers, as a form of control , and controlling when and how the abuse occurs (this is a DEEP subject that needs a post of it’s own, someday). Anyway, this is how I dealt with life prior to the Hubs and my road to my Salvation!

My road! Ha! It was God’s road and His plan! Seriously (again, for another post).

So back to the path of forgiveness ….

It was only with God, on His terms and with my submission to the Word, that I was able to come to a place of forgiveness for the Many and Much. For the most part I’ve been successful … it’s been 13 years, this month!

I didn’t forsake the fellowship. I attended (attend) church and keep my mind renewed by staying in the Word and prayer and relationship with God.

To forgive is to set the prisoner free and discover that the prisoner is you. ~ Lewis B. Smedes

Let me say it this way …

My hailmary, as I walked down the aisle, to the altar one Wednesday night, to accept the grace of Jesus as my Lord and Savior, was to beseech God, for what I wasn’t sure, but somehow I knew this was where I had to be, to fix it all. The very next thing God began to work on (FOR YEARS) was my un-forgiveness! It really was the first (well after ridding me of my previous “religion”) thing that was tackled in my spiritual walk. And it remains an everyday discipline.

The Many and Much are not gone. They walk and talk and tap at my heart strings, trying to play their melody of anger and resentment from time to time.

But I am FREE. I set aside the echos of my past and turn to the Word and fellowship of my fellow believers and continue to move forward, “It’‍s the only direction God gave us.”Gabe in Wish I Was Here; and I forgive, again.

Abandonment is an issue these days. Being the wife of someone battling cancer you find that your family and friends are kind of afraid of you. Oh they ask after the Hubs and offer prayer and blessings. But rarely do they ask the wife how she is, afraid that they won’t know what to say. Their priority if they are believers is to concentrate their prayers on his healing (and oh, how thankful I am for that!) and if they aren’t, I hazard to think of the pity prayers they offer up!

And there is the cancer itself, that threatens everyday to leave me alone, my heart destitute of the only honest and true love for me that has existed in this world (aside from Father God’s, that is.).

So I wake each morning thanking God for the faith and hope that He has given me, it’s His really. I thank Him for the army of intercessors that have gathered around the Hubs and I soak in those healing prayers knowing that they are for me too, even if they are not offered to me, per se. …

And I forgive Me, for being human and angry and resentful, for shaking my fists at the circumstances of my wisp of a life, right here and right now.

Because when we realize that God has forgiven us our worst, hidden in that dark corner of our deepest crevasse of soul, sin and remembers it now more, though we keep it in the corner of that crevasse, we can then begin to forgive ourselves for those sins, not the least of which is a lifetime of resentful un-forgiveness. Only then are we able to realize we aren’t capable of forgiveness on our own, so I …

Repent and thank  God that He has created me in His image to be about the work of His kingdom and ask that He help me to forgive the new Many and Much and move forward on the path He would have me walk … today.

Today … I walk in faith, not looking to the right or to left, simply looking to God, and I walk in forgiveness. Tomorrow I will start again, because Jesus did …

 This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins. Matthew 26:28

Thanks for reading my faithful friends. Blessings to you all.

Growing Mature in the Waiting

Five Minute Friday … All writing, no editing! Join our community over on Kate’s blog; where we share from the heart, throwing grammar and punctuation to the wind!

I’ve attempted this post three times in the past six days! The words come to me in God’s timing … and I wait on them before I venture forth. =)

Today’s (Friday, the 30th’s) Prompt is: Wait … Go!

There is a lot we wait for in our life times. We spend time waiting on line, on hold and on God. And there in lies the key.

Waiting on God and His perfect timing. For me this took much discipline over the years. I (we) want answers and guidance right now … but good comes to those who wait, and who wait on the Lord. Right? Do I hear your amen(s) echoing out there?

Lametations 3:20-26

My soul still remembers
And sinks within me.
This I recall to my mind,
Therefore I have hope.

Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“Therefore I hope in Him!”

Hope … I will wait for Him.

The Lord is good to those who wait for Him,
To the soul who seeks Him.
 It is good that one should hope and wait quietly
For the salvation of the Lord.

There is much I (we) wait for here in Hutchland these days. The most pressing is healing and restoration! Cancer, Heart Issues, Obesity and Addictions; they all are what we are waiting for in all faith, trusting God at His Word. Knowing His promises are secure and our blessings are in the acknowledgement that healing and restoration was attained in our Salvation.

We have hope … in Jesus. Not the wishfullness that the  world sees as hope. Our hope is in the Lord and we will do all that we know to do. We are utilizing every option that God has presented to us in these life trials we are struggling with.

And then … We wait …

and … Be still [wait] , and know that He IS God; He will be exalted among the nations, He will be exalted in the earth.

Psalm 46:10

And in the wait, in the hope, in the clinging to God’s Faith, I find myself assured of the Answer. I find control of emotion and wisdom in the wait when I rely upon Him for the answers.

He, God, Jesus, Holy Spirit is also Answer.

So as I (we, YOU) wait, rely on God and His perfect timing. And when you wander from the line, losing your place, repeat this …

I trust YOU, Jesus. I will wait on YOU, God.

STOP.

Thanks for reading my friends! This has been a FMF post (finally!). God bless YOU!

Faith in the Suspension of Time

He looks at me like this every day … those sparks are really sparks! I love that he looks at me like this every day.

I stopped in the middle of my day, today, asking God what I was being prepared for in all of this. It seems every post, TV show, and commercial I see is a poignant story of someone’s valiant struggle for life, ending in death. It seems I simply cannot escape that part of life that closes the door on this world.

Why?

I’m not really asking God why me. Because why not me? We all have to come, at some time or another, to that place where we realize that death is a part of life. A door shut to this world we live in as we enter into the eternity we’ve earned by fulfilling our call of God.

I’m just wondering why, now. Why so vivid?

I’m not afraid of death. This beautiful man of mine is certainly not afraid of death … he faces it on a level plane, that most of us do not, every day; while at times in excruciating pain. Pain that would cause me, and possibly you too, to cry out to God to end it for us.

During our evening of “normalcy”, watching TV together and talking during commercials;  we TALKED. I noticed during a scene in the show we watch that it was effecting him. He was emotional this evening. I saw a twinkle in the glistening of his silent, held back tears that he was worried about me; afraid that he was going to leave me alone.

Not getting many opportunities to live emotionally with this man of mine I called him on it. He couldn’t really answer my inquiries; after all he has always been a man of few words. He’s that man; the one everyone listens to when he speaks. You have to listen, he’s not likely to repeat himself so you can take notes.

Wisdom lives in those eyes. I love that about him.

Anyway. What prompted this post was something I read in Kaitlyn Bouchillon’s “In the Midst of the Mist” post from yesterday (my birthday). She wrote: “Maybe it’s not about knowing the answers but trusting the Answer. Maybe it’s a lot less about seeing the light at the end of the tunnel than it is trusting the sun will rise and the Son is Light.”

What wisdom from such a young soul!

She writes what I’ve been saying for a long time, about time. Basically this life, though it feels very long, is a span of time that  seemingly has no end for us. Though it is much shorter than we can fathom.

The bible says we are but a mist that appears for a short time and then disappears. James 4:14

We draw our first breath, naked and cold, in a brightness that we’ve never known … We draw our last breath, alone, with God, in a brightness we’ve only imagined, but never really grasped …

In between is the mist … the shadow.

Between the conception
And the creation
Between the emotion
And the response
Falls the Shadow
Life is very long – TS Eliot.

Today, for the Hubs and I, that mist, that valley, that shadow, is what David was talking about in Psalm 23 … the shadow of death.

NOT death … just a shadow of death …

We are learning about life in the midst of a death sentence.

Well, let me clarify … the world says cancer is a death sentence. We do not believe this. We believe God’s promise of healing and restoration.

Our faith says that physical death is a door to eternity.

I asked God today what I was being prepared for … but I realize I’m not being prepared. None of us are prepared for death; no one knows the day or the time … only the Creator Father knows the end from the beginning.

I heard it said that it’s a good thing we don’t know what’s coming next, because we’d probably never get out of bed if we did.

I’m certain that Kaitlyn was right (seriously the wisdom of our youth is astounding!) “…it’s not about knowing the answers but trusting the Answer..”

We trust the Answer.

I sat back this afternoon, wondering and then decided to just breath and sit quietly in God’s presence. Trusting the Answer. Then just now the Answer gave me an explanation in reference to my wondering.

We’re not being prepared! We’re being given an opportunity to experience, truly experience, our life together, the Hubs and I. An opportunity to make the most of this mist in the middle of the only two intakes of breath that bridge this life and eternity.

That mist is our lives … we can either walk around, allowing the mist to fog the beauty of it’s swirling light and shadow or we can hold hands and experience the mist and the beauty of being truly alive and present.

Tonight he looked at me with that look (the one in the picture) and we experienced some very important emotions. He really does look at me like that everyday. Those sparks you see are not photo shopped, they are real and full of who he is inside. And I desperately hope that this life experience, that is testing our deepest faith, can be experienced with all the life and presence that we had this evening.

Because in the rawness of emotion and truth sharing this evening we both experienced the true peace of God. The peace that He left us when Jesus went to be at  His right hand.

It’s faith in the suspension of time … time that is eternal in the Creator Father’s hand.

“But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.” Matthew 24:36

I’ll be mulling over Kaitlyn’s words for days, I’m sure. Because, as she wrote: “If we’ve only got so much time left – and that’s the case, and if none of us knows just how much time it is – and that’s also true, then maybe what matters is not all that we do but all that we are. Could it be that it’s less about how well we can see through the blurry mist and more about how we keep on walking through?”

“What matters is all that we are.” … 

And all that we are, the Hubs and I, right now is alive and present and I am determined to remain alive and present with him as long as we have, not knowing how much time that is … an eternity.

And … no one knows the day or time … not even the oncologists! ” … not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.” Matthew 24:36

Thanks for reading my disjointed thoughts. Thanks to Kaitlyn for inspiring in me the spark to write tonight, it’s been a long time. Thanks to God for sending the Answer I needed, and not what I thought I needed.

Blessing to you all, my lovely readers.

Dear Sorrow,

I’m a little late to the party over at Kate Motaung’s blog ;but at the time of the link up I hadn’t completed my journey into grief.

The Hubs battling cancer and the boy battling heroin addiction takes up a lot of one’s time and mind space. Not to mention battling heart ache and depression. All at that same time. You see Grief has not managed to settle in here in Hutchland … but her cousin Sorrow has come to visit.

Dear Sorrow,

There are so many things you want from me here today. You entered quietly and sit pretty and dainty in the corner just waiting on Grief to arrive.

You arrived just before midnight on New Years eve; determined to begin 2015 with our family; and you did. Like a quiet breeze of numbness after the phone call. My boy, in custody, again. Ending the festive and peaceful Christmas season wrapping your cool, almost light, arms around my shoulders. Lowering yourself, snug at my side, whispering your sweet lies into my ear. But you are simply at my side. You can only whisper, hoping I will give in to your almost warm and comfortable dark.

I realize you are a part of life. You visit in times of loss and hardship and stay for awhile. Lingering too long over a cooling cup of tea and hardly nibbled sandwich in a lonely, quiet living room. Sitting a touch too close on the sofa of a darkened, quietly sleeping home in the wee hours of the morning.

It seems I must face you; but I refuse to believe that I must allow you to reside here, in my heart of hearts, in my spirit.

Sorrow, you are not meant to reside. You are not meant to remain.

Life adjusts and it changes as God, Himself is put in charge of this home. This heart of our family.

Somethings need to be so that Joy can move in and reside.

The battle with cancer continues; definitely on the path of healing.

The battle with heroin continues, now, hopefully, on a path of healing. Definitely on a path of repentance.

Life continues and I, Sorrow, continue forward with a goal of self-discipline in mind.

So, Sorrow, I don’t believe you have a place here in the heart of our home, yet. There may come a time for you to visit a while, but it is not today.

Today I seek a deepening of my relationship and dependence upon God, the Father, Jesus the Son and the Holy Spirit. Today I seek a deepening of my trust in Jesus for all areas of my life. I say: “I trust You, Jesus.”

So I bid you farewell today, Sorrow, you have no place here.

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears, and delivers them out of all their distress and troubles. The Lord is close to those who are of a broken heart and saves such as are crushed with sorrow for sin and are humbly and thoroughly penitent. Psalm 34:17-18

Today’s Prayer

Thank you, dear Reader Friends, for stopping by. Be blessed.

And now my head shall be lifted up above my enemies all around me; Therefore I will offer sacrifices of joy in His tabernacle; I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the Lord. Psalm 27: 6