It’s October again and time for 31 days of writing. This year I’m only linking up with my FMF sisters. Trying once again to get back to my first creative love, writing. Pen and paper, computer screen, lunch bag and envelopes! Writing is my calling, I believe 😉
Today’s Prompt:
Believe.
Go …
What do I believe? The question is really ,’who do I believe?’.
John 14:1 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God[a]; believe also in me.
Jesus. Father God. The Holy Spirit.
These I believe The Word of God.
I also belive that most people believe “in” God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit; as if they are imaginary. I can’t remember when the ‘I believe’ became revelation to me, but knowing that I know that they are real, that the Word is alive became a revelation, but I did have that AHA moment and it was early on in my walk.
Then life got really hard and my mind tried to close up operations making those thing real questionable. Trauma does this. It began when my Don …
STOP!
It began when my Don went home to be with the LORD. I woke up 3 days later at 5 in the morning (I’ll never forget) after he left and spoke outloud to the Father. Like Abraham I reminded Him (Abraham often reminded God) that since my husband was now with Him that He was my husband, my source…my comfort (though the comfort, while there, is often even now, overwhelmed by the losses I’ve endured). It was a spontaneous conversation with God and after putting out my demands I came to realize that I could still feel Don’s love. I still felt loved. I just had to adjust to my ‘new normal’; goodness widows hate that term. Seriously all widows feel the same about that phrase.
So today I believe … I continue to simply believe as I’ve been instructed to believe –
IN FAITH I believe. Without this knowledge I would have lost the battle to retain my mind after losing Don and Shane. Sometime the battle tries to overwhelm me so I cling to THEM for dear life. THEY save me daily.
Each.And.Every.Day.
John 14:6 Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.7 If you really know me, you will know[b] my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him.”
About a year ago … the mark of having lost my son for one year , I heard this song. It truly says what I believe.
I believe He is.
Thanks so much for stopping by and coming with me on this journey of mine. God bless.
question: how are you? what is the correct answer? the truth? a convenient lie? silence?
do people really want me to tell them how i really am? or just return the platitude?
Sleeping woman with a cat Wladyslaw Slewinski (ca. 1896)
Lord, i am so tired.
i don’t say that as exasperation to our society’s platitudes. their desire to connect but leave the door open so they cut an run at a moments notice.
i feel like being my friend has become inconvenient for people. i’m one of those transparent, honest kind of people. my friends, yes, i really do have great friends. more than most, i have to admit; i am blessed in that area. so my friends know i’m going to tell them the truth if they ask how i am. and some still ask. others … not so much.
so what’s the answer? my answer is i’m not okay and i’m so very tired.
i function now. for goodness sake, Don has [only] been gone [just a short] three years; and my boy, my Shane, [only] a year and a half.
it’s exhausting keeping up with the inconvenience of my life. to function; when it means getting out of bed showering and getting dressed. this level of functioning can knock me out with fatigue. i simply cannot explain the fatigue from functioning in a normal human’s day.
it’s complicated, grief driven fatigue. it’s apparently ptsd, too. i don’t know about that diagnosis though. i’m a God believing, born again, Christian who believes healing is for us, for today.
stop …
but wait … there’s more.
so i fane function. i work from home so i can cheat, but most days, after waking from 8 to 9 hours of sleep, as tired as i was when i fell asleep the night before and get dressed. most days i force myself to do the housework, the office work and those day to day things we all do. when the day meets evening i am in physical pain and tired, bone tired.
and forgive me as i say … i’m tired of being tired.
i want to engage in my gifts and callings regularly, but i cannot seem to motivate. plus they still bring sadness. Don bought my camera as a Christmas surprise because i love[d] photography, and he loved my photography, i’m good … well i’m good when my subject is in natural light and stays where i {or God} put them … like flowers and the sky.
and this, my writing. he loved my writing and encouraged me. always and in all things.
so when I do these things [there are still pictures in my camera from a trip i took to Montana last july], i get sad, and a sense of tired discouragement comes over me, and i tend to stop.
honestly, these are supposed to be cathartic activities, they should soothe and help with the healing. but that’s just it …
one does not heal from the loss of chunks of the heart.
think about this [this thought makes my just ache with fatigue] … think about never seeing them again, never hearing their voices or feeling their touch. think about not being able to talk with someone you spoke with every day for thirty years [29 for my boy, but hey], or laughing with them … {i miss the sound of Don’s laughter the most. we laughed everyday for over thirty years.} think about having to jolt yourself to a stop because you step into a room and say their name to tell them something and in that next second of silence remember they are never coming home.
those thoughts would make anyone tired.
so the honest answer to “how are you?”? i’m tired and i’m not okay … today.
fortunately, i can finally say … ‘today’ at the end of that sentence, sometimes … today. but there are still those “not today” days.
please do me a favor … if someone you know has lost a loved one; a husband, a child…[the absolutely most painful of all deaths, hands down], a parent, even a pet …
don’t ask them how they are. ask them to coffee or lunch even. ask if there’s something you do for them today.
or even better, just say hi! it’s nice to see you.
trust me it will make them feel alive and present. they will remember you were kind, and a true friend when their life was in utter tatters. just saying hi, will make them feel rested because someone had treated them normally and they didn’t have to remember to lie or try to stop the burst of tears, because they just can’t stop the tears when they think about “how” they are.
thanks for reading these musings of a tired widowed mother of the … son who died.
Five Minute Friday … All writing, no editing! Join our community over on Kate’s blog; where we share from the heart, throwing grammar and punctuation to the wind!
I’ve attempted this post three times in the past six days! The words come to me in God’s timing … and I wait on them before I venture forth. =)
Today’s (Friday, the 30th’s) Prompt is: Wait … Go!
There is a lot we wait for in our life times. We spend time waiting on line, on hold and on God. And there in lies the key.
Waiting on God and His perfect timing. For me this took much discipline over the years. I (we) want answers and guidance right now … but good comes to those who wait, and who wait on the Lord. Right? Do I hear your amen(s) echoing out there?
Lametations 3:20-26
My soul still remembers And sinks within me. This I recall to my mind, Therefore I have hope.
Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, Because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “Therefore I hope in Him!”
Hope … I will wait for Him.
The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, To the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should hope and wait quietly For the salvation of the Lord.
There is much I (we) wait for here in Hutchland these days. The most pressing is healing and restoration! Cancer, Heart Issues, Obesity and Addictions; they all are what we are waiting for in all faith, trusting God at His Word. Knowing His promises are secure and our blessings are in the acknowledgement that healing and restoration was attained in our Salvation.
We have hope … in Jesus. Not the wishfullness that the world sees as hope. Our hope is in the Lord and we will do all that we know to do. We are utilizing every option that God has presented to us in these life trials we are struggling with.
And then … We wait …
and … Be still [wait] , and know that He IS God; He will be exalted among the nations, He will be exalted in the earth.
Psalm 46:10
And in the wait, in the hope, in the clinging to God’s Faith, I find myself assured of the Answer. I find control of emotion and wisdom in the wait when I rely upon Him for the answers.
He, God, Jesus, Holy Spirit is also Answer.
So as I (we, YOU) wait, rely on God and His perfect timing. And when you wander from the line, losing your place, repeat this …
I trust YOU, Jesus. I will wait on YOU, God.
STOP.
Thanks for reading my friends! This has been a FMF post (finally!). God bless YOU!
Just this week I participated in a word prompt exercise on Fear, you can read it {here}, if you haven’t already. That was Tuesday. It’s Thursday and what I began knowing was going to be an over full week has become more full! Isn’t it just the way of the enemy to attack just as you think you’ve come to a place of rest. Well as versed as I am in fear, and how I handle, it a whole new version of an old foe has reared it’s ugly head.
Anxiety.
Anxiety about the holiday. Anxiety about the clinical trial. And anxiety about this illness getting in the way of our family’s happiness and joy, especially at this time of year. It’s The Hubs’ favorite season, Christmas!
The research doctor at RCI called about needing The Hubs to have another CAT scan; the original biopsy was not big enough to get what they needed, so they need to start with a CT scan. Well that said, he had a CT scan a week after we saw her, so they used that. This morning the research nurse called about scheduling the biopsy. Next week is out due to his work schedule, so that leaves the week before Christmas.
THE WEEK BEFORE CHRISTMAS! I HAVE ABSOLUTELY “0” DONE!
Now anyone who knows me knows that the hoopla around the Christmas Holiday doesn’t usually appeal to me. I’ve never liked the music or the decorations. I do, however, LOVE the meaning, the family and the togetherness with people we love. But all the hoopla … I always preferred to avoid, as in “I” didn’t touch the tree and things like that, the decorating, lighting and background music of the holiday. Let’s just say that the holidays were always a source of chaos and anxiety, or worse, when I was a child.
The last couple of years (and I mean like 2) I’ve been feeling more “into” the celebration and decorations part of the holiday.
This year I’ve actually been feeling quite festive. Albeit a very new feeling for me.
I know it’s because I am so grateful for my time with The Hubs and our little family here in Hutchland. =)
And who deserves the honor and glory for that “new” feeling? Jesus. Yes, he does.
Then the calls … We were in a holding pattern of perpetual waiting with this clinical trial possibility, and it’s still only a possibility! The holding pattern was frustrating, I was going to call them Monday about where we were; then they called.
Now I’m feeling like that chaos and anxiety are invading again. All of a sudden I have absolutely no idea how I’m going to get this Christmas up, festive and complete with all this going on in the only two weeks we have to do it all in!
Anxiety makes being Still very hard. I have to force myself to pray and trust God. For some odd reason my heart and head are spinning again and I’m having issues getting it under control.
So what to do?
I’m praying in tongues, in my head and out loud. I am thanking God for His hand on and plan for our lives and resisting the urge to beg Him to fix all this.
He will. He is. I know this, but right this very moment I just need something concrete to know that my world isn’t rushing off on some chaotic run away roller coaster!
So I’ll read the bible. I’ll study for the Bible Lesson I’m giving tonight at bible study. I’ll continue to pray and hopefully I’ll be able to get something constructive done today.
I wish, I pray for answers, to know why I’m feeling like this. Why the anxiety after all this time (15 months).
I have a sound mind … I have power and love; everything to conquer this unfounded fear. Now I just need to remember how to use them.
So first, here, I’ll work on my memory verse and meditate on what it means when God is my fortress and stronghold!
Psalm 27:1-3 (with the Productivity501 tool in front of me.) While praying in tongues. The red is where I had to check the psalm for the right word and the cross outs are self explanatory. (Got that word, or run, incorrect.) The purple is my “commentary”. 😉
1. The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid?
2. When the wicked came against me to eat up my flesh, My enemies and foes, they stumbled and fell. (Thank you Lord! feeling better now.)
3. Though an army may encamp against me, My heart shall not fear; Though war may rise against me, In this (God, God’s Word) I will be confident.
{Psalm 27 is such an amazing Scripture to be memorizing at this time in my life. I thank God that I stumbled upon it in my blog hopping!}
In this circumstance of our lives cancer and addiction are certainly our enemies and foes; but I need not be afraid, If God is with me of whom or what shall I be afraid?
Romans 8:28-32
28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. 29 For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. 30 Moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified.
God’s Everlasting Love
31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things?
After writing this diary-esque post, I feel better. I think I am just overwhelmed with all of the hubbub around the holiday and this clinical trial. I am purposefully going to keep my mind on the REASON FOR THE SEASON and try to not be overwhelmed by getting it all perfect. Because frankly, this girl has NEVER been perfect, especially around the holidays, nor have I ever striven for such a thing.
I’m going to remind myself that God perfects what concerns me … and I am going to be confident in Him and what His Word says about all of this hoopla!
Psalm 138:7-9
7 Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You will revive me; You will stretch out Your hand Against the wrath of my enemies, And Your right hand will save me. 8 The Lord will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy, O Lord, endures forever; Do not forsake the works of Your hands.
Christmas is about celebrating our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. All the rest of it is just frills that we created to make us happy. I’m going to sit in the hay with my pups and rejoice that Jesus came to save me and that He is working with Father God, right now, to bring about the perfect results for our lives here in Hutchland.
I know my words weren’t exactly few (but I did add full scripture)!
Thanks for reading my diary of woe. It’s wonderful to know you’re here listening (reading, ha.)
This is the testimony of the wife and mother of two who are seriously afflicted with life threatening illnesses. Honestly I am writing this in preparation of the teaching/testimony I have to give tomorrow morning at my church’s Women’s Fellowship Breakfast. And it’s not been the greatest of months for me.
I don’t think people, even those closest, notice that things are as bad as they are or can be, some days. They see me weathering the storm at church or bible studies or family gatherings and they either express that I am so strong or they just ask how my husband is. And for some, I can see that they hope my answer is quick and doesn’t require much from them. That sounds harsh, but it is not meant to be. I am well aware that they don’t know what to say or do and frankly there is nothing they can say or do. They just don’t know that that is okay.
And some days I notice that I need to talk, and some days that means me talking to God. Because, he’s the only one who can do anything about all of this …
STOP … This post took way more than 5 minutes and edits. After all it’s the draft of a testimony presentation on a really hard subject.
My testimony.
I am the wife of a wonderful man, who is battling cancer and the mother of a hurting man, who is battling heroin addiction; and I do this simultaneously and not always well.
I am simply doing the next right thing on a moment to moment basis, sometimes. Definitely the last month.
My husband has been through 2 different, months long, rounds of chemo. Taking up what is slowly becoming 2 years.
The first round to eradicate a mass that had infiltrated and completely blocked his left lung; which was found to have rendered the lung nonfunctional. He didn’t even feel it not working until he caught an upper respiratory illness, which started this season in our lives. From September 2013 to February 2014 he had chemo and radiation every two weeks. The mass decreased with each CAT scan and he came to the end of this round with full use of the lung! Success! Right?
Not according to the doctors. Because a VERY little piece of the cancer had “escaped” to the liver. With this the treatments were rendered a failure.
REALLY?! But … he has full use of the lung! Really. According to their protocol.
NOT our GOD though!
So in June, after a biopsy, he went back into chemo; radiation was not an option for the liver. So from March to September 2014 my husband endured some very hard chemo treatments.
All the time he only got ill twice with nausea and once with something he caught. He lost his hair twice and suffered most from fatigue and feelings of weakness; oh and frustration driven moodiness!
He came out of the last round of chemo and the CAT scan showed that the “original” spot(s) were smaller, but that other lesions had developed.
Another fail, according to the doctors and the protocols.
And all the while this man of mine was vibrantly himself except for a few naps here and there.
So now he’s [we are] setting up for a clinical trial.
And with all this our youngest son is having a daily battle with heroin and he fell.
So that’s the story … what’s my testimony? I still don’t know how to put that into words.
I’m having trouble telling my story because I don’t feel as if I’m doing anything extraordinary. I’m just flexing with the new needs of my wife-hood and motherhood. Like I said, I try to do the next right thing and sometimes I fail miserably.
I started out with the boy being an addict. Something we’ve been dealing with for the last couple of years. At first it was just drug use, then it turned into what it is today; full on addiction to one of the worst drugs on the street. I learned to deal in the “tough love” arena. Tough love, I think, is harder on the parent, because it feels not only as if you are doing nothing, it feels as if you are abandoning your child. The good thing is that the boy is clean and doing well, so the love isn’t so tough when cancer entered and life got a different kind of hard.
So I’m doing this thing by rote and …
The doctors say cancer and they are acting as if they are delivering a death sentence. Cold and clinical … cancer, here’s a referral.
Head spinning, heart breaking and tears like a waterfall gushing out of control … I start this new season. I pray. I cry. I wake up in the middle of the night and pray while I lean over to see if my husband is breathing.
Before the diagnosis his breathing was a given. I didn’t think about it, like I don’t think about my own. Now all of a sudden I have death in my head! And I hear (now) …
Be careful what you hear …
This doesn’t feel like faith to me, so I pray more.
I.AM.A.MESS.
But then things take on a routine … The Hubs is doing fine, he’s feeling okay and we get into this new groove. But the groove doesn’t feel right. It feels like acceptance of something that is not of God. And I hear …
What you tolerate you accept. And I pray.
So I pray and The Hubs and I talk about it. We talk about a lot of things. Somewhere we begin to discuss the fact that he is going to refuse anymore chemo.
I.AM.A.MESS. … Again.
DO NOTHING?! What!? Can we really do nothing?! Is nothing what we should have done all along??
A.MESS.
I just need this all to stop and then the boy falls down. He’s using.
I.PRAY.
So what’s the testimony? Hey, I still don’t know if this is even a testimony! Maybe it’s a lesson on the reality of what a wife/mother does during a health struggle of a loved one.
I.Pray.
That’s what I do. I go to every appointment, I drive the boy to every court date and P.O. meeting. And I pray.
I go to God at the end of everyday. Because I don’t always hold it together well some days. In fact my comfortable day to day no longer exists.
I get depressed. I get angry (not at God); angry at doctors, protocols, cancer and heroin. I yell and I cry and sometimes I reject the encouragement of others trying to help me, when they don’t know what else to do.
I am often A.MESS. And you know what?
That is not a lack of faith. It is not a crisis of faith. It is not anger at God.
It is reality. And it is normal and it is okay! Even God accepts it, after all He knew what He was asking me to do when He created me. And He knew how I would handle it.
So … I pray.
What do I pray? Well if you read this blog regularly you know I am really into praying God’s Word. Can’t go wrong praying God’s promises or what He says about things. Yes. It’s the easy way. It may even be cheating … but hey, God gave me the answers so …
I.Pray. the answers.
I’m going to post a list of scriptures I use to keep me from trying to make deals with and/or manipulate God and His will. Because if there are a few things that I REALLY believe it’s …
God’s got this.
God has a plan.
And WE WERE healed.
These are scriptures that I, and our friends, regularly pray over my husband and son. These scriptures can be used by anyone for anything, obviously! 1 John 4:4; Isaiah 53:5; Isaiah 54:17; Psalm 118:14; Psalm 103:2; Jeremiah 30:17; Nahum 1:9 and Luke 5:17.
O’ Lord this man. We declare and decree the Word of God. “Greater is He that is in you than He that is in the world.” “By His stripes you are healed.” “No weapon formed against you shall prosper.” “You shall not die but live and declare the works of the Lord.” “Don’t forget the benefits of God. He heals all our diseases.” “The Lord will restore health to you and heal you of your wounds.” “Affliction will not rise up a second time.” “The power of the Lord is present to heal you.”
The Power of the Lord is present to heal you! Isn’t that wonderful?
I also rely heavily upon Psalm 91, because it contains EVERY promise God made to us! EVERY.ONE. It reassures my heart and clears my mind.
1 He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. 2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress; My God, in Him I will trust.” 3 Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler[a] And from the perilous pestilence. 4 He shall cover you with His feathers, And under His wings you shall take refuge; His truth shall be your shield and buckler. 5 You shall not be afraid of the terror by night, Nor of the arrow that flies by day, 6 Nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness, Nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday. 7 A thousand may fall at your side, And ten thousand at your right hand; But it shall not come near you. 8 Only with your eyes shall you look, And see the reward of the wicked. 9 Because you have made the Lord, who is my refuge, Even the Most High, your dwelling place, 10 No evil shall befall you, Nor shall any plague come near your dwelling; 11 For He shall give His angels charge over you, To keep you in all your ways. 12 In their hands they shall bear you up, Lest you dash your foot against a stone. 13 You shall tread upon the lion and the cobra, The young lion and the serpent you shall trample underfoot. 14 “Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him; I will set him on high, because he has known My name. 15 He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him and honor him. 16 With long life I will satisfy him, And show him My salvation.”
That’s my testimony! That I know, no matter what has taken place on any day, at any appointment, that the Power of the Lord is present to heal! That’s how I do this … that no matter my level of fear or anger …I.KNOW.GOD. and I.Pray.Thanks for reading. God bless.
Happy Tuesday … Where we, a growing group of creatives get a prompt word meant to spark creativity in the heart of the writer, or the photographer, or artist, in them. Just about a week is given for the creator to create from this word and all that is asked is that you share and check out what your neighbor in the link up list did with the prompt. You’ll be surprised at how often we are all led on the same path!
Tuesday @ Ten
Today’s Tuesday Prompt is …. Truth.
“I tell you the truth …”
Jesus is quoted as saying that phrase 78 times in the New Testament! 78 … that’s a lot of truth, but that is part of why he came to earth as a man. To testify to the Truth of God. More interesting: 30 of those truths were recorded just in the book of Matthew.
To tell you the truth, we need healing in our house. A lot of healing. And today I am having a very hard time with the information we got from the doctors at The Hubs’ last two visits. In my head, and usually in my heart, I know and cannot be moved away from the knowledge that we WERE healed by Jesus’ sacrifice, for US, on the cross. This is knowledge in our home.
It is Truth in our home.
Lord, I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief! Mark 9:24 (my prayer, taken from the same story but in the book of Mark.)
14 When they came to the crowd, a man approached Jesus and knelt before him. 15 “Lord, have mercy on my son,” he said. “He has seizures and is suffering greatly. He often falls into the fire or into the water. 16 I brought him to your disciples, but they could not heal him.” 17“O unbelieving and perverse generation,” Jesus replied, “how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy here to me.”18 Jesus rebuked the demon, and it came out of the boy, and he was healed from that moment. 19 Then the disciples came to Jesus in private and asked, “Why couldn’t we drive it out?” 20 He replied, “Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”22 When they came together in Galilee, he said to them, “The Son of Man is going to be betrayed into the hands of men.23They will kill him, and on the third day he will be raised to life.” And the disciples were filled with grief.
*****
This causes me concern about my faith. And if I’m having a crisis of faith right now, it’s not my faith in God’s promise of healing! It’s about my level of faith being hammered at almost daily for over a year. I thank God that it is His faith that works in and through me and not a faith that I must maintain on my own!
I said to my husband last night, in heartbroken, absolute truth, that it is so hard to hear these things and look at him vibrantly himself. It rocks me that he can be virtually well yet this thing can be inside of him trying to kill him! I told him that I wouldn’t be having such a hard time with his decision to NOT do anything about what they were telling us (he’s decided to refuse anymore chemo; but is willing to consider clinical trials for experimental drugs.) if he were ill and suffering. Somehow it would be easier to just quietly sit back in my sorrow about his refusal.
But, like he says, the chemo doesn’t seem to be doing anything (reminder to self: chemo is poison, not medicine!) can doing nothing really be worse?
And my wife/mother screams in my head … WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING! Yet, the truthful questions is: Do we? or Does God?
The amazing truth is he looks great! He feels and functions almost at his norm, except for some fatigue.
It’s amazing, as much as the schedule and the chemo stressed him and fatigued him, I’ll say it again, he did not experience what we all hear about and see on TV, or what others seem to have experienced with their loved ones.
No days of pain and suffering. No horrible, wasting illness. No vomiting and not being able to eat. None of that.
And it is for those very “NOs” that we remain faithful to God’s assurances of The Hubs’ healing.
And then the doctors tell us “their” truth. So when we were told what we were told yesterday their truth rocked my truth. So to decided to do nothing is beyond my scope right now.
The truth is, though, that it is ultimately my husband’s, and God’s, decision. Though I did honestly tell him that while I support his decision he needs to keep in mind that he [they] is making life altering decisions for both our lives.
Truthfully. I believe God. The Hubs looks and feels great, though right now, today, he is angry and frustrated that all this year’s work and treatments seem to have been for naught. We believe, we know, that God has healed him. That God is bigger than the doctors reports and tests and protocols.
Yet today’s Truth is that I am spent. I posted for all our loved ones and friends in the faith and prayer that we were home and were moving forward for the possibility of the clinical trial, and most took that as the good news that it is. But like the chemo (which isn’t curative or even really a medicine) the trial medications are unproved and may be non-curative either. It’s a clinical trial. The doctors and manufacturers have high hopes and so do we.
The truth is …. I am ready for the manifestation of healing in Hutchland. I am ready to stop feeling like I have to be waiting for the next report.
I am ready for the doctors and the world to understand the Truth, that …
Only God heals. Jesus is the only cure.
Like The Hubs says and stands by: The doctors are not curing him, God is. The doctors cannot heal him, only God can.
So today I will continue to recite that … Only God. Only Jesus. He is our cure. He is our doctor. He is our healer.
I’m going to add here today’s attempt at my memorization of Psalm 27: 1 & 2 … here goes!
1. The Lord is my light and my strength; Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid?
2.When the wicked came against me The to eat up my flesh, My enemies all fell and foes, they stumbled and fell.
Not too bad for the second day of adding verse two!
I thought that Psalm 27 fit this post, truthfully. These two verses are a big part of what I am and will be focusing on in regard to our current circumstances here in Hutchland.
I refuse to allow the enemy to kill my two men (the second being my youngest. I wrote a post on Sunday about my son’s struggle here.)
Quite frankly it’s been a very trying couple of weeks for this wife and mother.
My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth. 1 John 3:18
I’m reading ‘The Shack’ by William P. Young, again. Yes, it’s that profound. Not just good, PROFOUND. I encourage you read it and then keep in your library … you can find it in paperback for under $8 and on Kindle for less that $5! Follow the link above.
Quickly, I want to address what we think about God’s parenting style in our hard times.
Being what is considered a ‘mature’ Christian I rarely blame or question God. I was awed to discover that I didn’t blame or question God when The Hubs was diagnosed with lung cancer. I did all the things people do when they are presented with the grave, worldly understanding of such a diagnosis.
My head spun, my eyes became water spigots and my heart dropped and ached terribly, for the longest time. I slipped unhindered into a cavern of fear. It was dark and cold and I’d wake in the middle of the night just to check if he was breathing; when even the night before the diagnosis this was not a question in my thought processes. Now (or I should say then, it was over a year ago) it was a constant concern.
We were faced, blindsided by mortality. Oh how offensive that truly can be. I was offended. It never occurred to me that my husband, who had smoked for 40 years, could get cancer! How silly is that? [btw: he was diagnosed with non-smokers cancer, go figure]
But I never questioned God on the why. I just prayed, at first, that desperate wife’s prayer for healing, explaining to God how I couldn’t imagine living without this man he created for me. How I’d want to go with him. That there was nothing left here for me if he was gone. And then it changed, the prayer changed, when I came out of that tailspin. I began to pray the already received promise and thank God for our life so full of blessings. I don’t recall how long it took for the transition I speak of. But it came and I began to move forward, purposefully.
That said, I was reading the book, while waiting at some appointment or other, yesterday.This was the dialog between Mac and his youngest daughter, Missy, that caught my heart:
“Is the Great Spirit another name for God – you know, Jesus’ papa?” Missy
“I would suppose so. It’s a good name for God because he is Spirit and he is Great.” Mac
“Then how come he’s so mean?” Missy. She goes on to question why Jesus was made to die on the cross.
Mac goes on to tell her that Jesus didn’t think God was mean. He said Jesus knew God was full of love and loved him very much. That His daddy didn’t make Him die. Jesus chose to die because he and his daddy loved you and me and everyone in the world; that He saved us from our sickness.”
SAVED us from our sickness.
I knew this all along. I knew it when they presented the diagnosis. I knew it in my tailspin and I knew it when I came up for air. But deep down; did I question God’s logic in all of this?
Maybe, I guess I must have at some point. But I didn’t linger there, because when I think about God and His roll in these things we encounter in this life my head goes to the #1 scripture for the question: “Why, God?”
Jeremiah 29:10-13 10 For thus says the Lord: After seventy years are completed at Babylon, I will visit you and perform My good word toward you, and cause you to return to this place. 11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 13 And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.
And the #2:
Isaiah 55:8-10 10“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. 9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. 10 As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
For me, this speaks it all, and it’s my husband’s scripture. This scripture has been spoken over my husband by many preachers, many who didn’t know him at all. And it’s the Jeremiah 29:11 always left my husband bristling. =) Not anymore!
God is saying right here, I will visit you in your illness [Babylon] and I will perform My good word [the promises] toward you and I will return you to this place [Divine Health] … for I know what I’ve planned for your life and the plan is good and will give you a future and hope! … and so much more. This scripture is so deep!
I am reassured by it. I know Daddy is not mean, that this illness is not His design for our lives. We don’t allow the illness to define us as a family, The Hubs as a person or our lives going forward. We live our life in forward motion, as though nothing is amiss. We don’t question God about it.
We know that like the rain and snow, we were sent [born] and will not return until we have done our work, planned by the Father, for the kingdom, that He planned for us.
We will fulfill our Kingdom Destinies! And nothing can stop that.
Though we do ask when it will stop; the chaos that comes with this malady. I think that’s a different question.
We call on Him for answers and we pray and He listens. We seek and we find Him because we search for Him with all our hearts, everyday.
So, my question: Are you blaming God for somethings? Are you asking Him why in regard to something or some circumstance in your life?
Know this. Today. Right here. If it’s a bad thing it is not of God’s design for your life, but He will use it so that you come out of it SURE of His presence and love and stronger for the test!
Thanks for reading. Give me your ‘few words’ about where you’re at today with God’s parenting of you in your life. I’d love to share this quiet day with you.
OOOOoooo! Quick update-add on! This is my 500th blog post here at HopeAnnFaith! Whooop Whooop!
Five Minute Friday Time! Joining Kate and the FMF Writers for today’s prompt:
Turn.
Follow the link in the graphic here to get the skinny on the FMF link-up and join us! We’d love to share this with you!
Now without any further delay … setting the timer …
Turn your eyes upon Jesus and the things of this world will grow strangely dim.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ~ Hebrews 12:1-2
Turn away from those things that hinder and so easily entangle. Those things and people of the world who do not agree with the written will of God for our lives. What do we do when the doctor in our lives say things like: “We can never tell you you will heal” or “The chemo didn’t work, so ….”?
Or even better, professionals dealing with patients saying things like: “Oh! You’ve been doing this a year! Aren’t you one for the history books?!” What kind of backhanded encouragement (?) is that? My first thought was lady, get yourself some bedside manners before you speak to a possibly frightened patient again! Appalling in and of itself. But saddening when you think that these people don’t know God and His promises of healing for all of us.
So, yeah. I schooled them in the facts of The Hubs progress and in how BIG our God is compared to their knowledge and protocol. I was polite but firm and basically told them how they could speak about this malady in reference to our lives. The doctor just shook her head like I was a poor unfortunate imbecile; but the nurse, she knew about God, she’d obviously had some church in her life, praise God! She apologized and thanked me for giving her a different view about how her patients might be dealing with cancer in their lives. My response was thank you and not everyone owns their illnesses, some of us refuse to allow an illness or disease to take hold within us. WE here in Hutchand DO NOT take ownership of anything that did not come from God!
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. ~ James 1:17
That’s just how we roll here in Hutchland, according to what God says about this life of ours. I’m not saying we got it down pat, we don’t. But when we get it wrong, the minute we realize it, usually at Holy Spirit’s correction, we pick up, dust ourselves off , repent and get back on that path called LIFE, God has set before us.
So where do you turn when things don’t seem correct in your day to day? Where do you look when the world tells you something upside down and inside out? Do you turn to Jesus? Do you look up? Join us and let us know where you turn.
Psalm 121
A song of ascents.
1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? 2 My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber; 4 indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The Lord watches over you— the Lord is your shade at your right hand; 6 the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
7 The Lord will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life; 8 the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.
It’s day 3o! We’ve almost completed 31 days of straight writing! Kudos to all of us who are almost to the finish!
Today I want to kind of stay on the theme of God’s Timing.
We’ve discussed God’s Timing in our healing and the fact, that I’ve come to know, that my healing was attained the moment I received my salvation in Jesus Christ. The thing is God asked us to believe Jesus … and with that believing is the believing that we are made whole in that salvation.
That is hard for us humans, because we live in this fallen world. A world that confuses, and worse, denies God’s thinking and His sovereignty in all of life.
All of this requires us to decide to purposefully, begin to think like God.
It stands to reason that if we are made in His image {Genesis 3} then we are able to think like Him.
It’s about believing what Father God says {check His Word} …
:: If there is anything I want you all to receive from this series, past your manifest healing,it is that you would check anything in your life: in all areas of your life, against what God says about that thing/circumstance; in The Bible. I have found all the answers to my circumstances there, and you will too! ::
For me it’s about the God thinking. Let’s be honest when we first begin our relationship with God, not to mention that time before we consent to our salvation, deciphering The Bible is difficult, at best. That’s what the whole go to church and fellowship thing is about.
Learning what God says about this life and how to LIVE it.
Learning that our understanding of the confines of this life: TIME, Prosperity, LIVING WELL, and illness and sin are all under God’s jurisdiction when it comes to the rules and guidelines.
What about Free Will? you ask.
That’s the dig. Like any parent, God teaches us His moral and legal laws. He teaches us how to live this life well and then …. we come to a certain maturity {age} where we begin to make our own decisions.
(I’ve always wondered if God feels like we do when we have to realize that our teenagers are making adult decisions for the first time. That loss of control feeling and the borderline terror … but then I remember that God knows the end from the beginning.) CHEATER! =)
And then He takes His hands off and we are left in that Free Will state … our defining moment!
Are we going to choose God Thinking or human {worldly} thinking? Are we going to follow His lead or the world’s lead.
(The world. You know; society, what the “professionals” say, the politicians or the masses, all of them and their opinions and studies and polls.)
Well, there’s a clear example of God’s thinking, His plan for this in Proverbs. Chapter 22, verse 6.
Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it.
And sometimes … we have to train ourselves up! Meaning if God is/was not apart of our lives as children when we were coming up, we will encounter God as some point in our lives. This encounter is our time to make a choice to choose His way, or for some, not.
Trust me though … God will pursue YOU if you miss that first appointment.
God is prepared for us and He will follow us until we accept His invitation!
You {God} prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. 6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Psalm 23:5-6
So God thinking is about us learning God’s way. We learn to trust Him at His word, even when that seems to be tested. When a circumstance like cancer manifests in our life, we most often begin to question God. We did not, but we had already trained ourselves in the ways of God and applied it to our lives! We were blessed in that. This blessing, however, is ours to share with those that encounter such apparent tragedy, so that they can see what God did in our lives and pursue those blessings in their own lives.
It’s why I share the intimacies of my life and my personal relationship with God, here.
My LIFE is about testifying about my God! About what He did to HEAL, PROSPER and CARE for me. If I show you that everyday it makes you want it and pursue the same for yourself.
Have you ever asked that friend, who seemingly has it ALL together, how she does it all? You know the friend, we all enjoy her, her house is immaculate, her children balanced and well behaved and apparently genius’! Works all day, plays with her kids, and dinner is on the table at 6,and probably looks amazing doing all of this!
What is her answer? On all of the “MOM Blogs” I read they credit God.
But what about those ladies who don’t have a relationship with God? They often credit themselves and the fact that they have no choice and their time is not their own! Most would explain it with complaint and express the desire to have some relief.
What would I say? Well I would be honest … my house has a lived in feel, at best, if not messy! I’m getting better with this, but I was not built to be a natural housewife! How do I get along with our schedule? It is what it is, with all the appointments, work {thank God that he’s blessed me with the pleasure of working from home.} and just life? I would tell you that I have no choice … but to put my day, each day, in God’s hands and I do my best to be content with the outcome.
Some days are better than others when we talk about the outcome; but it is what it’s supposed to be.
I would credit God with my successes and I would tell you that I didn’t press in to God when it comes to my failures. I would say this because I have looked back upon those failures and realize that I chose to do something in my own power and I failed.
I’ve come to the realization that I do nothing without God. I don’t breath, I don’t function, I don’t succeed when I remove God from the equation of my life and decisions. That’s what I would tell you if you asked.
For me this life is about God’s time and thinking.
The only way I accept God’s timing is to adopt His thinking on the subject of life.
I am fully persuaded that God’s got this, He’s got me and if I can, each day, each moment, leave it to Him things will be alright. Even if it isn’t what I saw happening.
And I can be persuaded because I have worked with God on tailoring my thinking to be like His. It’s a process and just when I think I’ve got it down another challenge crops up for me to increase my God thinking.
It’s kind of like : WWJD [what would Jesus do] … but more like WDGWMTD [what does God want me to do] and I then check the Word for instruction if it’s not clear. And who has the time for that, you ask?
My answer: I don’t have the time for anything else. I’d rather get it done, then have to go back and fix it!
The fear [reverence] of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, But fools despise wisdom and instruction. My son, hear the instruction of your father, And do not forsake the law of your mother; For they will be a graceful ornament on your head, And chains about your neck. Proverbs 1:7-9
Everything is in God’s timing. Being able to think like God comes in His timing, and for me, it seems, that time is now. Look around you. See the miracles of light, of trees of your children … realize that God CREATED it all, and some of it just for YOU! What was He thinking?
He was thinking about US! About that desire that we have Life and Life MORE abundant.
Why then do we desire to control time and deny His thinking? Is there something you want to change in your thinking? God wants to guide you today. Do you need some concrete direction for your life? I suggest the book of Proverbs … how to live life the way God intends is spelled out right there.
The best way to understand God’s timing and learn to think like Him is by reading His Word. That’s my encouragement today, and every day! Get in the Word.
Here it is … Tuesday again and the 29th day of the 31 day writing challenge. I must say that near the middle the 31D challenge truly challenged me! I fell significantly behind; but Wheww! I’ve caught up!
Tuesday @ Ten
Finding the Grace Within’s Karen Beth brought a really good prompt today! To join us in this blog link-up just follow the link in the picture to the left and get the skinny on how the link up works.
TRUST … Certain words and subjects bring me right to the subject of God in most conversations. Mainly because I’ve come to a place in my relationship with God that I know these subjects are His domain.
Trust is most definitely one of them.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heartand lean not on your own understanding;” Proverbs 3:5
We’ve all had our trust broken by people. Most of the people who break our trust are those closest to us, this wounds deeply and leaves inner scars that we hide and rarely heal. That is if we do not seek for them to heal. But when we finally do seek to heal from our inner wounds it is God who heals and rebuilds that trust; but not in man.
He teaches us that humans are fallible; incapable of the absolutes we seek in them. That absolute trust is only held true in God; simply because He is unchangable, unlike humans. People are easily swayed, their minds and opinions change with on each direction of the wind and with those changes come broken promises and vows and trust.
But God. He says …
Trust in the Lord with all your heartand lean not on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5
For some reason “our own understanding” is that a person, those we love and trust, are infallible. They are not. Like I said above they change, sometimes on the smallest of whims. We, too, are infallible; our word, promise and vows are just as fallible. I would find it suspect, at best, if there were anyone reading who hasn’t broken someones trust; purposefully and with intent or not, we’ve caused someone, somewhere not to trust us. And you and I both know regaining that trust takes a lifetime.
Again. But God. He says …
Forgive as I have forgiven you. We must …
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32
And know we embark on the “but!!!” … How do I forgive some of the most heinous wounds? Well to be perfectly honest in and of myself I know that I am incapable of that! I’m almost 50 and I spent way too much of my life harboring deep resentments and wrath against those who harmed me. And that harm was SOUL DEEP. Permanent scars, or so I thought! When I came to the realization that I had to forgive I was far beyond mad. It incited rage within me! I felt forsaken, by those who had hurt me; the very people who were supposed to care for and protect me and now … yes, I felt forsaken by God!
In all that time of tragedy, abuse and neglect I had never felt forsaken by God, but realizing that I had to forgive shattered trust … well I was beside myself. And I say that because I was a participating Christian when the revelation came and I didn’t have a clue how I could continue in a faith that required the impossible for me.
But God. Here I am explaining it to you, my friendly readers.
Trustworthiness is a characteristic that is in The Image of God. An integrity we gain through our walk with God. We are taught honesty by our natural parents; but it is usually their version of honesty. And inevitable they are the first persons who break our faith in the human race. Luckily God made it them who we could forgive because of our lifelong relationship with them … our first lesson in forgiveness. =) God is so amazing, knowing who to sacrifice so that each of us could come into our true being as His children.
It took me a very long time to forgive my shattered trust. That brokenness that caused me to guard my heart against just about everyone in my life. For me, as for many, it was truly a self preservation thing. A lonely road, really.
I relearned trust in my honest seeking of God and His kingdom. These verses, when applied to my life gave me a new perspective on trust, and how to trust others.
I can now trust others because I put my trust first in God the Father. I’ve learned to trust God that He works in anyone around me, whether it is their true nature or not, so that I am safe and protected. Man cannot break my Trust anymore, because it is based on the only Man in my life capable of absolute honesty … Jesus.
So here are a LOT of scriptures for you to get into your heart, so that when the subject of trust comes up in your life you too can be sure of where your trust comes from. Secure in the fact that God’s Word is true and faithful even when those we love the most cannot be.
Do you need to repair broken trust in your life. Is there a relationship that you need to repair when it come to Trust and Honesty? I encourage you to get into the Word of God and press into your relationship with God the Father and trust will follow!
And … YES. You have an existing relationship with God, even if you aren’t aware or sure of it. Father God is just waiting on you to reconcile yourself to His Love … because Jesus already reconciled You to Father. Jesus did the work … you just need to lean in and accept and TRUST that UNCONDITIONAL Love!
These scripture are the start to getting Trust into perspective in your life. They work for me. I pray them. They helped me learn to trust people THROUGH God and now they help me to stay in contact with God first when trust becomes an issue in my life. And …
I always … Remember – Trust God First!
Joshua 1:9 Have not I commanded you? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be you dismayed: for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.
2 Samuel 7:28 And now, O Lord GOD, you are that God, and your words be true, and you have promised this goodness to your servant:
Psalms 9:10 And they that know your name will put their trust in you: for you, LORD, have not forsaken them that seek you.
Psalms 13:5 But I have trusted in your mercy; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
Psalms 20:7 Some trust in chariots, and some in horses: but we will remember the name of the LORD our God.
Psalms 31:14 But I trusted in you, O LORD: I said, You are my God.
Psalms 56:3 What time I am afraid, I will trust in you.
Psalms 84:12 O LORD of hosts, blessed is the man that trusts in you.
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart; and lean not to your own understanding.
Proverbs 11:13 A talebearer reveals secrets: but he that is of a faithful spirit conceals the matter.
Proverbs 11:28 He that trusts in his riches shall fall; but the righteous shall flourish as a branch.
Proverbs 28:26 He that trusts in his own heart is a fool: but whoever walks wisely, he shall be delivered.
Isaiah 12:2 Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid: for the LORD JEHOVAH is my strength and my song; he also is become my salvation.
Isaiah 43:1 But now thus said the LORD that created you, O Jacob, and he that formed you, O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed you, I have called you by your name; you are mine.
Jeremiah 7:8 Behold, you trust in lying words, that cannot profit.
Daniel 6:23 Then was the king exceedingly glad for him, and commanded that they should take Daniel up out of the den. So Daniel was taken up out of the den, and no manner of hurt was found on him, because he believed in his God.
John 14:1 Let not your heart be troubled: you believe in God, believe also in me.
Romans 15:13 Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.
Revelation 21:5 And he that sat on the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said to me, Write: for these words are true and faithful.
![1 He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. 2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress; My God, in Him I will trust.” 3 Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler[a] And from the perilous pestilence. 4 He shall cover you with His feathers, And under His wings you shall take refuge; His truth shall be your shield and buckler. 5 You shall not be afraid of the terror by night, Nor of the arrow that flies by day, 6 Nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness, Nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday. 7 A thousand may fall at your side, And ten thousand at your right hand; But it shall not come near you. 8 Only with your eyes shall you look, And see the reward of the wicked. 9 Because you have made the Lord, who is my refuge, Even the Most High, your dwelling place, 10 No evil shall befall you, Nor shall any plague come near your dwelling; 11 For He shall give His angels charge over you, To keep you in all your ways. 12 In their hands they shall bear you up, Lest you dash your foot against a stone. 13 You shall tread upon the lion and the cobra, The young lion and the serpent you shall trample underfoot. 14 “Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him; I will set him on high, because he has known My name. 15 He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him and honor him. 16 With long life I will satisfy him, And show him My salvation.”](https://hopeannfaith.files.wordpress.com/2014/11/psalm91.jpg)
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