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A complete mess of a life.

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IMG_2619You know, I say I’m a writer, a photographer … and I used to say Wife and Mother…but that is basically no more. I’ve spent more than 3 years trying to figure out who I am without Don and Shane. I guess the changes in me are within me. Like the truth of how I am is hidden, so is the who I am. That seems hidden even from me.
I’m going through hard stuff, by myself. The physical stuff I should be doing overwhelms me. I honestly think about a task, know that it would be easy to do yet I don’t get to it. I should be writing, (I know, I’m writing at the moment.). I should be taking pictures. I should empty that bookcase and clear out the vast Pan cabinet I’ve been meaning to get to…Nothing is complete(d).
Everything in my life is (in)complete…can I just say that as Don’s widow and the mother of the deceased boy, Shane.
People say and actually get a bit miffed when I say I have to do everything alone. But the work I need done is INSIDE. It’s all apart of me, the bookcase, the pan cabinet, the “living” room which should be called the existing room.
If I clean out that bookcase, I clean out a part of who I was without a clear view of who I am without the contents of that bookcase.
So I lost 2 beating hearts that my heart beat with and now I must lose the rest, I guess. Box up the life I ahd with them, clear the clutter of a happy life that is now just a memory and that clutter, oh that clutter is attached to that memory, that moment before those two beating hearts stopped.
In a week my son will be in heaven for two years. This passage of another year without a part of me, it’s tearing at my insides and no one sees. They don’t see because I don’t let them because I see the faces and down cast eyes and I hear the sighs and I realize they don’t know what to do and I make them uncomfortable. It’s true. They’ll lie and say it isn’t so, but it is.
So yeah, I’m a complete mess. They say how a persons living area looks is a picture of a persons emotional circumstances.
A complete mess.

Thanks for stopping by and reading. I appreciate all of you.

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Author: Hopeannfaith

Welcome, I'm Andrea ... HOPEannFAITH ... I write and take pictures as a way of expression. These are gifts given by a loving and indulgent Father, to a headstrong and stubborn daughter, with much to say. A semi-retired social worker/secretary, I now call myself a writer. I've published one internet article and written many blog posts. However, publishing does not make one a writer, anymore than taking a box camera to the park makes one a photographer. What makes one who and what they are? Well God for one ... formed me before the foundations of this world (Psalm 139); and many, many years after putting away my passion for wordsmithing and picture taking He gave it back ... in droves. I am a culmination of my choices and experiences. It is here that my experiences color the world in print and color. It is my goal to reach just one soul a day with love ... encouragement ... understanding or just letting that soul know that they are not alone where they are today. This is about creating ~ all of it. Creating a HOLY and SACRED place where the ugly truth can be healed and the beauty of a moment or a tear can brighten a day for the experience. Why HOPEannFAITH? Hopeannfaith is my inner child, and she is maturing, as she should have done all along. She is learning all about how Faith fulfills Hope. She is learning how to live. HOPEannFAITH ~ the wonder twins all wrapped up in one, me. These are my Journey Journals ~ written and visual. I welcome your company. I welcome your friendships. My Journey is in the light ~ although I have and will share the shadowy corners and the dark ~ so you know that you are never alone there. If we hold hands in the dark, and we walk, side by side, through the shadow, we will reach the Light together. In relationship with one another and with the Light. Blessings.

5 thoughts on “A complete mess of a life.”

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  1. AssistanceDogEmma
    September 26, 2018 at 3:31 am

    It might be alone stuff, but we are at least alongside.

    Love you lady. D

    Reply
  2. pourcettetemps
    September 27, 2018 at 4:34 pm

    Oh my dear friend
    I hear the ache in your words. The loss is still so fresh for you isn’t it.
    I think its hard for others to understand because it is not part of their constant reality. That doesnt make their responses helpful though.
    I can imagine it must be very overwhelming to think about how to do these tasks and honor the memory of your husband and son. Take your time my dear.
    Life can be faced one babystep at a time, tentative but finding solidity under your feet.
    I am sorry you feel alone in this. Is there a griefgroup that you could get together with people who are also dealing with loss and maybe how to deal with the tasks that lay ahead?
    I am glad you are here. I am glad you have written today. You ARE loved

    Reply

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