A complete mess of a life.

You know, I say I’m a writer, a photographer … and I used to say Wife and Mother…but that is basically no more. I’ve spent more than 3 years trying to figure out who I am without Don and Shane. I guess the changes in me are within me. Like the truth of how I am is hidden, so is the who I am. That seems hidden even from me.
I’m going through hard stuff, by myself. The physical stuff I should be doing overwhelms me. I honestly think about a task, know that it would be easy to do yet I don’t get to it. I should be writing, (I know, I’m writing at the moment.). I should be taking pictures. I should empty that bookcase and clear out the vast Pan cabinet I’ve been meaning to get to…Nothing is complete(d).
Everything in my life is (in)complete…can I just say that as Don’s widow and the mother of the deceased boy, Shane.
People say and actually get a bit miffed when I say I have to do everything alone. But the work I need done is INSIDE. It’s all apart of me, the bookcase, the pan cabinet, the “living” room which should be called the existing room.
If I clean out that bookcase, I clean out a part of who I was without a clear view of who I am without the contents of that bookcase.
So I lost 2 beating hearts that my heart beat with and now I must lose the rest, I guess. Box up the life I ahd with them, clear the clutter of a happy life that is now just a memory and that clutter, oh that clutter is attached to that memory, that moment before those two beating hearts stopped.
In a week my son will be in heaven for two years. This passage of another year without a part of me, it’s tearing at my insides and no one sees. They don’t see because I don’t let them because I see the faces and down cast eyes and I hear the sighs and I realize they don’t know what to do and I make them uncomfortable. It’s true. They’ll lie and say it isn’t so, but it is.
So yeah, I’m a complete mess. They say how a persons living area looks is a picture of a persons emotional circumstances.
A complete mess.

Thanks for stopping by and reading. I appreciate all of you.

http://fiveminutefriday.com/linkup/

http://hopeannfaith.com

Let it rain…

Ecclesiates 3 There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

²     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

THE FMF PROMPT: RAIN…GO.

Here on the East Coast of the U.S., It’s been swelteringly hot and humid.  To swelter is to be uncomfortably hot, a nice way of saying it’s been hot and heavy as h……. 😳

The heaviness of the air truly wants to let the moisture go and we sure prayed for any relief at all. Just a breeze or a quick sun shower, though the sun was hidden behind the gloomy haze.

The heaviness in the air reminded me of my emotions. Three years and I’ve learned to gather all those tears inside of me. All the emotions stored and threatening to burst at any moment. This causes me to isolate which is easy because everyone has their own lives and I spent the majority of my time alone. It may be a rut…a three year rut. Or it may just be the slow rhythm of my life now. In isolation those tears can rain freely and the release like the cooling rain on a sweltering day, sooths the land of my broken heart.

Grieving and mourning are used interchangeably while they really are not. I’m at the grieving part, it is the part of this emotional place done internally. In private, its the part of this process one can only do alone, and its the part that is forever. There is eternity here on earth, in our hearts. I vowed to love for eternity. Both my children and my husband and Jesus. The Word does say that God put eternity in the hearts of man…

Ecclesiastes 3 ¹¹ He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet^[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

STOP.

It’s raining here today. Finally. Temps have decreased in double digits. And somehow my emotions have balanced with the barometric pressure, for today anyway.

I find it interesting how our bodies and minds are affected by the weather. The Lord has truly made our bodies and this earth and her atmosphere amazing! I’m continually in awe of the perfection of all of God’s creations. God is truly sovereign and mighty in all things.

Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to read. God Bless.

http://fiveminutefriday.com/linkup/

I just let go …

I just let go …

Surrendered again this morning …

I feel raw – fully awake and enduring the pain. I’m a mess. I don’t care about anything right now – just going through the motions of life – work and all the trappings of this life – simply so no one actually sees the brokenness.

Nothing else to lose is how I feel. But even now I realize I thought that 6 months ago as I was rounding 18 months without my husband and my boy went home to the Lord by his own hand …

I surrender now. Each.Day.Anew.

Today seems to be killing me … 2 days to 2 years living this life without my marriage. 2 years without hearing his voice, seeing his eyes laugh at me. I can hardly believe … 2 years!

So I went to YouTube to my praise and worship playlist and did my office work for the day.

I find myself singing the words through the tears … those tears I know God collects for me.

STOP

You see it’s easy to sing and praise the Lord when life is all sun shine and rainbows.

Not so much those gloomy and dark days when the sun doesn’t break through the mist of rain drops and wind.

When life is just proving to me that there will always be days that the memories or the aloneness will bring my heart to a stop. When I realize I’m not breathing, let alone moving. Stuck.

It’s been a hard week. I swear my body knows how close the pain is before I begin to feel it’s aching on the edges of my soul. It gets harder as the day gets closer …

Grief knows the date …

Grief stretches into years. We don’t move on … we don’t let go … we simply move forward and learn to live with the pain.

God I need you now … trusting you on this path I didn’t plan.

I thank God that I am in a place in my faith that I can wake each morning and praise Him through the deep ache of loss. That I can sing through the tears, worshiping His faithfulness.

It is well with my soul. 

Letting Go and Letting God …

I read a poem today that spoke to the very core of my Spirit.

The poem stirred an understanding about this sojourn I am on. This sojourn that is once again transforming who I am as a Spiritual woman, wife, mother, nurturer in Christ. It’s about letting go.

Beautiful Dreamer – Lauren Rudolf Art

As a Christian I find the Letting Go and Letting God concept in our faith is not fully understood, nor can the wisest of us explain what that truly is … that is without “A” trans-formative step in our faith. Everyone is changed by God faith by faith and glory to glory (His glory!) yet I am finding that there is a truly transforming step that we all will experience with God, in our relationship with God, that while a sojourn (or a temporary stay) in a specific spiritual space will have a tangibly permanent affect in WHO we are.

The WHO we are in Christ, specifically.

I am on that sojourn. I have been, unknowingly until today.

Today I learned, a felt the shift, of that transformation. Over the last 18 months I have slowly learned and accepted and become alright with putting the little things aside. I’ve learned and can truely decipher the insignificant things and they no longer cloud my vision.

But today. With much, powerful and fervent pray from and with some of my most loved friends I slowed and was shown, supernaturally what this letting go is truly about. And then God lead me on this path to this poem that, for me, was a picture of that letting go.

I did not write it. But I believe God did through the author.

I cannot tell you, or show you how to get to this place in your Spirit. I cannot guide you in your sojourn. But I can share this poem that has deepened within me what God has done in me today.

I have peace. I have hope. I understand, today, what He means by LIVE.

His Word says clearly that “the people will live” and “we will live and not die”.

He said through a very Godly woman that I love to my core, through His spirit, “Don will live.”

He said through this poem … that all of this is truth and this is how I let go … and I am Letting God.

I must give the credit to the author – The Rev. Safire Rose

She Let Go

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear.  She let go of the judgments.  She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.  She let go of the committee of indecision within her.  She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go.  She didn’t search the scriptures. She just let go.  She let go of all of the memories that held her back.  She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.  She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it. She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.

She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn’t call the prayer line. She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

And with that I am not who I was when I awoke this morning … I AM Who I am in Christ, right now, today and forever.

Remember there is no DIY video for this. No self help book or post. This is about letting God change you to the core of who you were into the Core of WHO He made you.

Safe and peaceful travels on your sojourn … I’ll see you when you get to the other side of this breakthrough!

Thanks for stopping by to read. Please pray for my husband and my family. God bless.