Wow … what a night we had here in Hutchland, last night!
Emotions all over the place, messy and loud. With tears and sarcasm … and maybe a raised voice here and there. But …
It wasn’t an argument. It was a venting on both The Hubs’ part and then my devastated, emotional response. I ached all night from it and I woke up aching and tried … OH how I tried to keep it hemmed in, and failed miserably.
Then well …
The Hubs let go last night. I expressed a desire to spend time together. To make have some quality time, to “do something” together. And … he lost it! Going on about how it’s not reality to want a romantic moment like in France before the “end”. It was worse than that all together … there were regrets about his life and our life and oh … it’s just heartbreaking.
He must have been holding this in forever. And yes, he’s a man, and he did. It breaks my heart that he cannot see the blessings we’ve received, how he’s touched so many people, how his children adore him, how I adore him …
He apologized in his angry way, blaming a really bad “feeling sorry for myself” day and that I caught him at a bad time … but … all those words, all those emotions …
I took it to God. I took him to God. And in my heartbroken self I prayed until I slept and then I woke up, and like I said I tried desperately to hold it in, but the hurt was so deep and I failed and off to work he went. So I sat on the couch and took to the mattresses (Haha … The God Father!) and prayed for my man.
Dear God ….
And then he returned home from work early, not feeling well and slept. When he woke we got into another discussion, this one better and more productive (prayer works people, it’s really the only way) and we’re both feeling better about things. And he ate and is resting again … the first several days after a week of chemo is very rough.
I know how I feel after 18 months of chemo and sickness and weariness and traveling and trying the next thing. I cannot imagine (well now I do know) how he has felt all this time. Like I’ve mentioned over the years he’s not much of a talker. And he has every right to feel frustrated and angry; and I believe that one must get those things out of you.
(I firmly believe that stuffing these things makes one ill!)
That said, I went directly to God. It’s been repeated in various forms over the last several weeks that going anywhere but God is futile. He is the solution. I knew that, we Christians are taught that; but I’ve come to a KNOWING.
Two weeks ago my pastor and friend taught on it in her sermon … Who do you run to? and it’s shown up in scripture and e-mails and FB posts over that time period!
Our focus, here in Hutchland, needs to be GOD … because the enemy comes to Steal, Kill and Destroy! And cancer destroys much more than one’s cells. It beats at your body, your mind and your soul, if you’re not diligent in your faith. The fatigue and sickness keeps one from church and your fellow believers … one become isolated by the cancer; the sufferer and the wife/caretaker and family!
It’s a brutal test of one’s faith. One we, here in Hutchland, intend to conquer! At least I intend to.
If you followed the link and were able to read the sermon notes on “Who do you run to?” then you may know where I’m going with this post.
I’m going to the SOURCE … the ANSWER … the world does not hold or have the answers; the world’s response to all of this do the next popular thing … and then there are our friends.
I know it’s the truth for me, that I (used to) have certain friends that I know I can get specific responses from according to what I want to hear … not necessarily what I need to hear. There are specific friends I go to when I NEED to hear what God would say! Today those are the friends I go to when I need to get things out; but I, now, always go to God first.
Like I said it’s the only real answer.
Our friends … Christian or not, mean well but their listening skills have filters, their advise is humanly flawed and when we are reaching for those friends who commiserate and tells us what we want to hear … well as well meaning as they may or may not be, that is not good at all, for anyone.
And as for the ways of the world? Well, that’s just another name for the friend who commiserates, but the advise and guidance has nothing to do with God or His plans.
Life is a hard and emotional thing and we need to be able to get past those emotions that dull our hearing of Holy Spirit, who has the answer and quite frankly the comfort we need …
And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever— the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. John 14:16-17
God cares about what you are going through. And when we go to Him regularly we begin to feel His presence even in the hardest of trials. I can attest to this. Quite honestly last nights conversation had me spent and numb by bedtime but I went to God in prayer even when, at the start, I felt nothing. My emotions had overtaken me. My self doubt had me traveling back in time to a not so great past and relationships there. I felt hurt and worthless and like God wouldn’t bother with me. I had heard 99% of what my husband said emotionally, as an affront to the 26 years we had put into our life together.
(cancer’s effects are simply evil from hell!)
But soon … those prayers broke the emotional numbness and I was able to evaluate the conversation logically and through the eyes of God. And then my heart broke for The Hubs and once again what all of this is doing to him. And I prayed for Him.
*When we pray for others in our time of need it is an offering; sweet and cherished by Father God. Cherished because we are being obedient in prayer and because it tells Father that we are surrendered to Him and His plan and it frees Him up to work on our behalf. The blessings are enormous.
So I’d like to give you a few go to scriptures and encourage you to take your cares to the Lord before anyone else. For me and for our current situation, it was the only way to get things expedited. I trust it will do the same for you, what do you have to lose, except for the emotional pain and the delay of misguided advise and counsel. =)
These scriptures will begin to cause emotional healing in your life and body. When used regularly they will mend and bring your relationship with God the Father to an intimacy that will forever change how you deal with life and your emotions.
Enjoy the peace of communion with God. I certainly did by the end of this day.
The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:17-18 (NIV)
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28 (NIV)
He refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Psalms 23:3 (NIV)
The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba,Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Romans 8:15-16 (NIV)
You who sit down in the High God’s presence, spend the night in Shaddai’s shadow, Say this: “God, you’re my refuge. I trust in you and I’m safe!” That’s right—he rescues you from hidden traps, shields you from deadly hazards. His huge outstretched arms protect you— under them you’re perfectly safe; his arms fend off all harm. Psalms 91:1-5 (The Message)
‘But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,’ declares the Lord. . . Jeremiah 30:17a (NIV)
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. Isaiah 43:2 (NIV)
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor. Isaiah 61:1-3 (NIV)
As always my sweet and faithful reading friends, thanks for spending this time with me. Blessings to you.
You know, I say I’m a writer, a photographer … and I used to say Wife and Mother…but that is basically no more. I’ve spent more than 3 years trying to figure out who I am without Don and Shane. I guess the changes in me are within me. Like the truth of how I am is hidden, so is the who I am. That seems hidden even from me.
One Page at a Time. 