You know, I say I’m a writer, a photographer … and I used to say Wife and Mother…but that is basically no more. I’ve spent more than 3 years trying to figure out who I am without Don and Shane. I guess the changes in me are within me. Like the truth of how I am is hidden, so is the who I am. That seems hidden even from me.
I’m going through hard stuff, by myself. The physical stuff I should be doing overwhelms me. I honestly think about a task, know that it would be easy to do yet I don’t get to it. I should be writing, (I know, I’m writing at the moment.). I should be taking pictures. I should empty that bookcase and clear out the vast Pan cabinet I’ve been meaning to get to…Nothing is complete(d).
Everything in my life is (in)complete…can I just say that as Don’s widow and the mother of the deceased boy, Shane.
People say and actually get a bit miffed when I say I have to do everything alone. But the work I need done is INSIDE. It’s all apart of me, the bookcase, the pan cabinet, the “living” room which should be called the existing room.
If I clean out that bookcase, I clean out a part of who I was without a clear view of who I am without the contents of that bookcase.
So I lost 2 beating hearts that my heart beat with and now I must lose the rest, I guess. Box up the life I ahd with them, clear the clutter of a happy life that is now just a memory and that clutter, oh that clutter is attached to that memory, that moment before those two beating hearts stopped.
In a week my son will be in heaven for two years. This passage of another year without a part of me, it’s tearing at my insides and no one sees. They don’t see because I don’t let them because I see the faces and down cast eyes and I hear the sighs and I realize they don’t know what to do and I make them uncomfortable. It’s true. They’ll lie and say it isn’t so, but it is.
So yeah, I’m a complete mess. They say how a persons living area looks is a picture of a persons emotional circumstances.
A complete mess.
Thanks for stopping by and reading. I appreciate all of you.
I feel raw – fully awake and enduring the pain. I’m a mess. I don’t care about anything right now – just going through the motions of life – work and all the trappings of this life – simply so no one actually sees the brokenness.
Nothing else to lose is how I feel. But even now I realize I thought that 6 months ago as I was rounding 18 months without my husband and my boy went home to the Lord by his own hand …
I surrender now. Each.Day.Anew.
Today seems to be killing me … 2 days to 2 years living this life without my marriage. 2 years without hearing his voice, seeing his eyes laugh at me. I can hardly believe … 2 years!
So I went to YouTube to my praise and worship playlist and did my office work for the day.
I find myself singing the words through the tears … those tears I know God collects for me.
STOP
You see it’s easy to sing and praise the Lord when life is all sun shine and rainbows.
Not so much those gloomy and dark days when the sun doesn’t break through the mist of rain drops and wind.
When life is just proving to me that there will always be days that the memories or the aloneness will bring my heart to a stop. When I realize I’m not breathing, let alone moving. Stuck.
It’s been a hard week. I swear my body knows how close the pain is before I begin to feel it’s aching on the edges of my soul. It gets harder as the day gets closer …
Grief knows the date …
Grief stretches into years. We don’t move on … we don’t let go … we simply move forward and learn to live with the pain.
God I need you now … trusting you on this path I didn’t plan.
I thank God that I am in a place in my faith that I can wake each morning and praise Him through the deep ache of loss. That I can sing through the tears, worshiping His faithfulness.
The Truth about the promise of healing. Day 25 of 31 Days of Healing Scriptures.
I’ve stumbled upon the revelation that our healing, while a part of our Salvation Package, is contingent upon us getting the revelation of our healing and then …
Acting upon, or applying the knowledge that is gleaned from that revelation!
“Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven.” James 5:14-15
I’ve also written about the point of contact and our faith. {here}
Are you sick? Do you desire to be healed? I mean, do you desire to release that illness within you and all that goes with it? Some don’t want their healing, it’s kind of a subconscious thing. It’s more like they cannot envision their life without the ailment that they’ve claimed as their own. They cannot seem to fathom how life would be healed and healthy.
Some even do not desire true healing because the thought of being able bodied means they might have to support themselves, physically, financially and emotionally. Many get quite a lot our of their illness. I don’t think it was their intention when they first became ill; it’s an evolution within one’s life that becomes a part of who they are and how they live.
Let me give you a personal example. Up until recently (like several years, when tithing became an integral part of our faith) we lived a meager life. Absolutely one paycheck to the next. So for all those years losing this weight, reversing almost lifelong obesity, brought to my mind the immense amounts of money that would cost! Diets, medical care, not to mention the expense of clothing! If I lost the weight it frightened me that I would become a financial burden on my family!
Twisted thinking when you actually see it in writing! But the over-the-counter meds, quick doctor visits and such, they all came in dribs and drabs, almost unnoticed. And then came the heart event! And years later there came the cancer event!
Those were big! And both, in their own ways, brought the bigger picture to life.
I wanted to be healed! I wanted to be whole and smaller! So I prayed! And it began … because for each time I reached out to God for another level of healing and my heart was right another layer was peeled away to reveal the next step.
Yes, there was prayer with the elders of our church. I was anointed with the oil and many a prayer of faith was said! And God did as He promised above, He rose me up to the challenge of my healing and He forgave me!
Some think that God did not promise us healing. That’s furthest from the TRUTH. He did promise in John 3 … He sent His Son so that we would be (not might be), WOULD BE forgiven and in that forgiveness was healing!
When we let the Elder of elders pray over us, our Intercessor Jesus, we are healed of our illness and diseases!
The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17
Isn’t that awesome!
So there it is … The Truth of the promise of healing! Jesus has been singing over us … forever! For Eternity … He came for us! He came so that we would have LIFE and LIFE more ABUNDANT!
I just hope what I’ve been sharing this month is bringing you to Him so that that Abundance has become your LIFE! Thanks for reading! May the blessing of healing be yours today. =)
Exodus 15:26 He said, “If you listen carefully to the Lord your God and do what is right in his eyes, if you pay attention to his commands and keep all his decrees, I will not bring on you any of the diseases I brought on the Egyptians, for I am the Lord, who heals you.”
Instruction … Often we long for, and voice that longing in our day to day, instructions in life. We’ve heard people say, and probably said ourselves: “I wish there was a book of instructions for life.”
Well, if you’re one that has built your faith into a relationship with God then you know this to be true, as cheesy as the little cliche has become. If you are new and learning … I assure you once I chose to live my life according to God’s will and timing my learning of the Word and applying the same to my life accelerated and became almost easy.
Note I said Almost Easy. This is after all life and we were not promised easy … we were promised it would be worth it. And so far, for me, it’s been worth it.
The scripture I began with is instruction for life … It was to the Israelites who were trying to get to the promised land; but true to human behavior they were complaining and fussing that it wasn’t coming as quickly and as easily as they had envisioned. They had to be continually reminded, encouraged and instructed to follow God and His timing.
They couldn’t wrap their heads around the process. They couldn’t get past putting human attributes to God. Like us they were human with human faculties … and they would get a few step forward and fall several back, into their own understanding.
Yes! The Old Testament is relevant to us today … it reveals our human-ness if we pay attention. The Israelites were just like we are today!
So as to healing … it’s God’s promise to us from the very beginning. Like I’ve said many times on my blog; Our healing was delivered in the Atonement and received at the exact moment of our Salvation!
Our salvation and our healing are one in the same!
We were created In His Image, In His Likeness. We were created to be just like God, and God is NEVER ill. He’s NEVER had a cold, or the flu, or cancer … NEVER; and neither did His Son!
So the instruction for healing here, is much the same as any other instruction for Life … And were given EVERYTHING we need for life … and Godliness {In His likeness!}. And the scripture above is clear … for us it’s to get in The Word, get to know God and His will, His plan and His timing and live your life accordingly. The exact instruction is spelled out right there in His words.
His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and excellence. 2 Peter 1:3
He has a separate the name Healer:
Jehovah Rapha: The Lord Who heals!
I encourage you to get into the book of God’s Instructions for our life and find EVERY.WORD. He said about your healing. You see, I know that I am healed, regardless of what I am feeling in this body or am hearing from the “professionals” and then I refer to His Word and I trust in THAT WORD while doing what He has instructed through the doctors. After all it was our Healer who created the Doctor. 😉
Do you need healing today? Won’t you let me pray for/with you, according to His Word and Will for you life? I would love to be in agreement with you for your complete healing … it’s yours, right here and right now!
Thanks so much for reading. It is my sincere hope that I have sparked a glimmer of hope in you to seek your healing for Jesus, The True Physician. Blessings.
It’s Tuesday again, the day I attempt to utilize the Word Prompt from Tuesday@10 into The 31Day Writing Challenge! Some are easier than others … this one took some pondering, though I know what I wanted to get across.
This weeks prompt from KarenBeth is Humility and it certainly took a bit of time to wrap Healing up into Humility.
So may I humbly submit to you, my offering of prayer and healing to you, today.
Breaking Through to the Other Side of It …
“Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up.” James 4:10
True humility is a virtue I desire, most Christians desire; but like many of God’s characteristics, humility is not one I come by naturally.
Humility is not a value; it doesn’t express weakness or timidity. It is, rather, a gift from God, by grace, that should be revealed through our character. Humility, by definition is the opposite of pride. And Jesus taught on humility, while on earth.
“Everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.” Luke 14:11
People who are truly humble do not seek attention, they do not seek to push a personal agenda. Genuinely humble Christians seek only to advance God by being the example of what God does through them, as individuals. It’s not about me teaching you how to pray, or instructing you how to receive your healing. It’s my showing, through my life and experiences, how God The Father has worked His plan through me!
God works mightily through the honest humility of people!
I can humbly tell you that I don’t know why I am alive today, after the diagnosis of congestive heart failure 5 years ago. I haven’t lost the necessary weight yet that would ensure heart health; though I’ve made strides and then failed. But I’ve gotten up from that failure to stride again, by the grace of God! It’s not me … my health is completely about God and His plan for me.
It is in all humility that I stand in awe of God’s Works, when it comes to The Hubs life and battle with the diagnosis of cancer! It is definitely by His Grace alone that we have come to this place in this battle full of life and love and testimony of healing and health. It is by God’s grace that The Hubs continues to stun the doctors with vibrant lung health even as they refuse to tell us that the cancer is gone and he is healed. And it will be to God’s Glory and Honor alone when they come to the conclusion that The Hubs is, most definitely Healed and Healthy! I anticipate, with great joy and excitement, that testimony!
I don’t have the answers, except that I believe God at His Word that I am {we are} healed and that He has a purpose for me! I do not know the time of these miracles and their testimonies … I just know that they are there for us in God’s time. When this healing will make the most impact upon those around us!
When I stumble, and oh how I stumble, I do my level best to get back up and resubmit myself, humbly and with repentance to my Father God, always thankful that He is there with His Word to help me back up so that I can follow His instruction. I confidently put my trust in God and do not arrogantly demand that God allow me to do things on my own. I am useless on my own!
And speaking with honest humility, I have to say that I don’t do the above, ANYMORE! And when stress or life or emotions have me leaning back into my own human-ness; I humbly ask God for forgiveness, as soon as I come to my senses.
“Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress; he sent out his Word {Jesus} and healed them, and delivered them from destruction. Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love, for his Wonderful works to humankind.”
Psalm 107:19-21
… let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love, for his wonderful works to humankind.
Being thankful is a part of humility. It’s admitting that I don’t know everything, in fact I know very little of what I need to do in life, without Him to guide me. And oh, let me tell you how thankful I am! Actually there are no words to describe this gratitude!
And humbly, we declare and decree the Word of God.
“Greater is He that is in me than He that is in the world.” I thank God that “By His stripes Iam healed.” And “No weapon formed against me shall prosper.”
All the honor to God the Father that “I shall not die but live and declare the works of the Lord.”
“I will not forget the benefits of God. He heals all my diseases.”
I stand in awe that “The Lord restores health to me and heals me of my wounds.”
I thank Him, humbly that “Affliction will not rise up a second time.” within me.
Thank you Father that “The power of the Lord is present to heal you.”and me. In Jesus’ name I pray Your Words back to Your memory Lord, that You would see me, Your humble daughter, and bestow upon me Your healing touch. Amen.
A quick reminder to keep God’s healing Words in Your sights … so that His healing Promise may stay in your body.
His Words
Proverbs 4:20-22 ~Stay Focused on Wisdom
My son, pay attention to my words. Open your ears to what I say. Do not lose sight of these things. Keep them deep within your heart because they are life to those who find them and they heal the whole body.
It’s Saturday and it’s late; but I’m going to make it! 😉 31 Days of Healing and 16 Days of Prayer for Healing.
My Dear Father,
I will pay attention to Your words. I will open my ears to what You say, and close them to what the world says. I will not lose sight of these things; these healing words of promise. I am burying them deeply within my heart; where I will treasure them because they are life to me when I find them; find revelation knowledge within them and they will heal my whole body. They will manifest healing in the marrow of my bones. In Jesus’ name, I pray all the Glory for my manifest healing to You, God, my loving Father. All the glory and honor to You. May my (our) healing prove You true and honest before all men. Amen.
The Psalms are filled with {mostly} David’s desperate cries for help, healing and deliverance! We often long for God to help us, heal us or deliver us. Be for all that longing we neglect sometimes to pray … to cry out our petitions.
David, before and after becoming King David, was one of God’s favorites. Even, as He sinned, in his human-ness God referred to this son of His as “A man after My own heart.”
Well I am here to tell YOU that that is true of each one of us today. We are His favorite, You are His favorite, I am His favorite!
“How?!”
You ask.
Well, it’s because He is LIMITLESS … His very essence is LIMITLESS … His Love for us is LIMITLESS!
We, in our human-ness, put God in a box. A box infinitely smaller than God, in all of His LIMITLESSNESS.
Like small children, we cannot fathom the limitlessness of this Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Infinite God; nor can we fathom that His love for us has those same qualities.
But He DOES!
He DOES!
I find deep and visceral comfort in that. I long for you to feel this, too.
I am writing this particular post after being inspired by a good friend’s struggle today. By this friends perseverance in staying in God’s Word and His presence, today.
This person is struggling with something deeply tragic and emotional; and while that is going on they are doing their level best to stay in God’s Word and presence, today; while feeling like they cannot even breath for the pain and fear. I wanted my friend to know that God LOVES them and while the circumstances are what they are, and regardless of the fact that they cannot seem to feel Him as close, today, that God is, in fact, right there with them.
This is one of those Jesus moments for this friend; that test that reaches within one, viscerally, and actually, when all is said and done, proves within one’s Spirit and Mind that God’s is ALWAYS faithful to His children and His promises.
I have experienced this Jesus moment on several occasions just this year. So I know it is what my friend is experiencing right now. My friend has described, in short, feelings and emotions and fears that I have felt many times this year.
Yet, I came to a place where when my limits on God were destroyed, I became assured of the vastness of His love for me, deeply and permanently. I want that assurance for my friend; for all my friends and loved ones. For everyone.
That place? True Serenity!
The psalmist realized the limitations of man and recognized the limitlessness of God. He expressed these concepts in Psalms 139:7-12: “Where can I go from Thy Spirit? Or where can I flee from Thy presence? If I ascend to heaven, Thou art there, If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, Thou art there, If I take the wings of the dawn, If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea, Even there Thy hand will lead me, And Thy right hand will lay hold of me. If I say, ‘Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, And the light around me will be night,’ Even the darkness is not dark to Thee, And the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to Thee.” (from: God’s Limitlessness).
So, as I cry out to God for my healing, { You changed my mourning into dancing. You took off my funeral clothes and dressed me up in joy so that my whole being might sing praises to you and never stop. = healing} I’ve added my friend and others in intercession …
I cried out to you, Lord.
I begged my Lord for mercy:
“What is to be gained by my spilled blood,
by my going down into the pit?
Does dust thank you?
Does it proclaim your faithfulness?
Lord, listen and have mercy on me!
Lord, be my helper!”
You changed my mourning into dancing.
You took off my funeral clothes
and dressed me up in joy
so that my whole being
might sing praises to you and never stop.
Lord, my God, I will give thanks to you forever. {AMEN} — Psalm 30:8-12
Stop!
What is it today that you need God to heal or deliver you from; what do you long for? I encourage you to pray God’s scriptures; pray what He says about your situation today. I have found and can testify to the fact that praying God’s scriptures to Him never fails.
This 31 day challenge has been just that, a challenge, on many levels.
The Challenge to Write.
The Challenge to eek out time to write.
The Challenge to see if I can get people interested and directed to my blog.
The Challenge to get healing scriptures into my heart, permanently.
That 4th challenge was the original challenge and should have been the focus. But that focus changed from getting God in to getting ME out there.
NOT.GOOD.
Social Media, whether it’s Facebook, Tumblr, Google or even WordPress and other blog venues can take over. Often times they cause us to focus on us essentially distracting us from what’s important around us!
Social Media overload! So I decided a few days ago to Slow Down … being that I do most of my work online a total disconnect is not an option … however a conscious slow down is.
So I set about, today, looking to refocus my sights on the original challenge. To get HEALING scriptures into my HEART; for my HEART and for my family. And I visited an old page of mine: A Very Courageous Prayer; Dangerous Even!
I originally saw this prayer on Ann Kroeker’s blog. She is awesome and so is her blog. Go check it out!
It contains a very significant prayer by John Wesley. Shared on the page. This prayer:
Dear God … I am no longer my own, but thine. Put me to what thou wilt, rank me with whom thou wilt; Put me to doing, put me to suffering. Let me be employed by thee or laid aside for thee, exalted for thee or brought low by thee. Let me be full, let me be empty. Let me have all things, let me have nothing. I freely and heartily yield all things to thy pleasure and disposal. And now, O glorious and blessed God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, thou art mine, and I am thine.
So be it.
And the covenant which I have made on earth, let it be ratified in heaven. Amen.
This prayer is a dedication to and a surrendering to God the Almighty. A prayer which allows the prayer to enter into total and intimate communion with the Father. I continue to see this prayer as courageous and dangerous to the prayer.
Why?
Because, have you, even you Christians, truly, honestly and transparently, REALLY, surrendered all to God? Do you, do I, even know what that complete surrender means? Have we counted the cost of this surrender, or the surrender that Jesus gave on the cross for us?
I know I must not have, because I still suffer illness and doubt in my body and mind. Only my Spirit is truly and completely surrendered because that happened instantly upon my asking for and receiving my salvation through Jesus Christ.
It’s a courageous prayer because it means giving up EVERYTHING. to God … and if you say the prayer and your heart is pure God will, instantly, make clear to you what you must give up, sacrifice, for this intimate communion with the Father.
It’s a dangerous prayer because it means giving up EVERYTHING. to God … and if you say the prayer and your heart is set and pure on this commitment He will require that you give to Him those things that you are comfortable, happy, connected, with and to. And those things that you believe you need to survive; to serve Him and become who He intended you to be in His kindom.
Let’s face it anything we do that is dangerous takes courage. Living in this fallen world committed to Christ is courageous and dangerous. And it stands that anything we do that is courageous is dangerous to who we are right now, because it will ultimately change who we are and what we believe.
We ALL were born with a purpose, for the purpose of serving the Kingdom of God; and the Kingdom of God is in US. So why is this surrender so seemingly hard and sacrificial for us?
I don’t have that answer, yet.
In that post, written just over 3 years ago, I vowed to pray this daily. I don’t know when I stopped. I used to have a paper copy of it just under my laptop for praying each day. But I did stop praying it.
Well today, in the interest of zooming my focus for this life of mine, and this challenge, on God and healing, I am going to attempt to use this prayer and more prayer, to strengthen that vow I gave to God and myself so many years ago. I honestly believe that I must offer myself more to God to receive this Manifest Healing I seek.
So tell me, Sweet Reader, what prayer are you saying today. What areas do you need to surrender to God to truly be healed today? Share with me, I would love to pray with you.
And there it is … the truth! True patience and perseverance.
Romans 5:3-8
3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;4 perseverance, character; and character, hope.5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
6 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.7 Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die.8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Strong Enough
So shouldn’t we be patient and wait on God?
Patience is the ability to accept and wait or suffer on something or someone without becoming angry or upset!
Be still and know that I am God … Psalm 46:10-11
10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.
11 Jehovah of hosts is with us; The God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah
Selah means to sit quietly and meditate on this … in other words have patience and wait on the Lord to reveal the meaning to you. Not your understanding, but the meaning of what God is saying to you, individually, right now, about your circumstance.
Waiting on healing that the Word says is already complete is a conundrum to say the very least. To understand the promise and to manifest that promise are two very different things! And it can be frustrating.
Yet, Patience says we must suffer that wait without that frustration. Even though that frustration can only delay, not stop, that manifestation.
So how do I have patience enough to endure the process. How does one accomplish this ethereal task within themselves?
” … suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God has been poured out into our hearts …
I believe this is about us and our response to God in the hard situations. Circumstances like cancer and heart failure and addiction.
Because at “just the right time” when we are truly powerless and surrendering all to God … God then demonstrates Himself: LOVE, for us, to us and through us. Even as we are still sinners.
Like I said this morning in a scripture status on our favorite Social Media vehicle:
You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. – Ephesians 4:22-24
* Note: WE were TAUGHT … it’s a walk, a process. WE MUST read and learn and fellowship and CHANGE the attitudes of our minds. As wonderful as it all is the Love and Grace of God … we are human in a fallen world and we must LEARN and be GUIDED to this place of TRUE righteousness and Holiness in God.
It’s all a process, in patience and perseverance, to Righteousness and Holiness … to getting what we KNOW down in our Spirits for true Understanding.
I simply need to remember that my Manifest Healing was completed the day I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior, and that I must wait patiently on my human-ness to catch up with my acceptance.
True Serenity.
We call that “Speaking those things that are not (in the natural/the flesh/what is tangible to us here on earth) as though they are. Speaking FAITH; because what we KNOW is promised must be KNOWN in the heart …
That short 18 inch trip from the head to the heart.
And that takes Patience and Perseverance … so I fight the frustrations and do what I know I should do and wait, patiently on God.
Trust me I know this is hard, a LOT. We all live it. We all struggle to be patient in this instant gratification world of ours … but what is it you need to hand to God and be patient and trusting for Him to complete today? Know you are not alone in this virtuous struggle with Spirit and Flesh.
For me, today, I’m handing God the obesity and asking that He conquer it … even as I set out to start Nutrisystem so that I can get my dietary lifestyle under control.
It’s letting God work in me, while I do what I know to do … leaning on Him and not my understanding (or anyone else’s understanding) of what NEEDS to be done to conquer this underlying and deadly dis-ease within me.
Thanks for forgiving the length (this went just a bit over 5 minutes, didn’t it!) and for reading, my faithful friends.
My motivation for this 31 Day Journey Through Scripture for Healing was and is to get God’s promises for healing – Divine healing into my head and ultimately into my heart. My true spiritual heart where I can continually tap into what I honestly see as truth in regard to healing.
My desire is MANIFEST healing, manifest health. I want to walk, not just in, as this gives me the ability to walk “out” of; I want to prove out Manifest Health. I want to be able to tap into the KNOWLEDGE that I am healed in Christ – inside and out.
Yet this desire causes me stress.
Because I’m not attaining it right now.
Because I have moments; many right now, when I realize I’m not hungry, and in fact I feel quite the opposite, yet I go and get that comfort food that my mind is telling me I want.
Because I need to move, yet I have no, absolutely no, motivation to get up and start what I know I must do to be healthy. Walk, move, do something, do anything!
Because, though I believe God at His word I must beg Him to forgive my unbelief … not in Him, not in His promise … but, my unbelief that I could be the recipient of Him and His promise of healing. I really believe that though I understand in my head it has not dropped those 18 inches to my heart.
My heart that that literally NEEDS to receive healing.
To my heart where The Spirit actually resides within me!
And God said we could …
Ask, Seek, Knock: Matthew 7
7 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
9 “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone?10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!12 So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.
There it is … helping the God information get from my head to my heart!
But am I asking? Or … am I sitting here, unmotivated, hoping God will look down on me and just give me what I should be asking Him for. This says that I must ask.
I.MUST.ASK. Maybe I do not have because I do not truly ask God to handle this. Maybe I’m doing this alone, on my own power … and I can’t, I really seem not to be able.
James 4
2b You do not have because you do not ask God.3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.
The stress of knowing that this obesity I struggle with is due to some past harm within me; that this is the symptom of a physical or emotional wound is the same stress that blocks my ability to get well.
I believe this. So here it is … another layer of the onion that must be peeled away so that God’s Divine Healing can manifest within me.
I don’t have to rehash the harms and wrongs and wounds that I have truly dealt with. I now have to find that tiny shred of “YOU ARE WORTHLESS” that I allowed to be deeply instilled within me.
No. That’s wrong … I didn’t allow the original instillation of self doubt and lack of self worth … what I allowed was the wallowing in and the coveting of that wound so that I could remain resentful by rights of those abuses. So in the time it took me to cultivate that crop of resentment (years) it was able to blossom in some deep and dark places within me that now must be rooted out and exposed to the light.
And this is where I agree that Christianity has a touch of brain washing to it.
I am human. On some of the harder days I forget I am chosen and loved by the Father Creator. It’s not that I cease to know this truth, it’s more that it fails to rise up in me to remind me. And this is because I am distracted by the hardness of the moment.
Let’s face it … during times of stress we humans forget things. Even us Christians forget and try to do things, figure things, that are not within our understanding.
What I need to remember: God’s Sovereignty. I was made in His image. I have His DNA, we all do, and that is perfect.
But … I am not God.
I’m almost 50 years old here. I have never conquered this obesity. It’s roots were deep, I know, and God and I have worked hard to remove them … but like a tree that is cut down, the roots, underground must be destroyed, ground out, so that the tree does not begin to grow, again in that area again. The root must be destroyed, too, so that it will not move, underground, unseen, to rise in a new location where it blooms and grows anew.
Roots
Destroying the Roots
He is God, alone. And I believe and I ask Him to take this remnant root and destroy it, once and for all, so that I may walk out that promise He gave me on that gurney 5 years ago!
Thanks for reading my faithful friends.
Andrea
**The pictures are of a 100+ year old tree in our yard that God uprooted by way of a freak tornado in September of 2012 … mere months before Super Storm Sandy.
You know, I say I’m a writer, a photographer … and I used to say Wife and Mother…but that is basically no more. I’ve spent more than 3 years trying to figure out who I am without Don and Shane. I guess the changes in me are within me. Like the truth of how I am is hidden, so is the who I am. That seems hidden even from me.
One Page at a Time. 